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We explore a 7-day love challenge developed by renowned psychologists Julie and John Gottman. Based on decades of their research, this week-long practice offers simple, actionable steps to deepen connection and nurture relationships. From meaningful check-ins and heartfelt compliments to the importance of touch, we uncover how small, intentional actions can create lasting bonds. Whether you're looking to reignite romance or strengthen your partnership, the 7-day love challenge provides practical tools to bring more love and connection into your life.
This is part of our series The Science of Love, supported by The John Templeton Foundation.
Sign up for The Science of Happiness podcast's 7-Day Love Challenge to receive these science-backed practices delivered directly to your inbox: tinyurl.com/7daylovechallenge
Day 1: Do a 10-minute check-in. This is great to do at the beginning or end of the day, but can be done any time that works for you. You can ask questions like, "Is there anything you want from me today?"Be on the lookout for small bids of connection like: eye contact, a smile, a sigh, calling your name from another room, asking for a favor, etc.
Day 2: Ask a Big Question. Ask your partner one big question and see where it goes. It should be open-ended, with no dead-end yes/no answer available. It doesn't have to be serious or momentous, it can be anything at all. For example, "If you change into any animal for 24-hours, what would it be?" or "What are five movies that you feel have changed your life?" Try to keep the conversation going.
Day 3: Say Thank You! Take some time today to be a spy, looking out for all the positive stuff your partner does throughout the day. How they convey affection to others, or do small things to help out. Say thank you for something routine. Thank them for something they're doing right, even if it's small.
Day 4: Give a Real Compliment. If you were to paint a verbal portrait of your partner's strengths, which 3 to 5 words would you use? For example, warm, funny, playful, supportive, brave, sensitive, creative, easygoing, etc. Anytime you're together today, notice the way your partner embodies those qualities you listed in step 1. Express it! This is a chance to express to your partner the core, essential things you love and appreciate about them.
Day 5: Ask For What You Need … By Describing Yourself. Reflect on what you've been wanting from your partner. Do you need to hear, "I love you" more? Or more help with pursuing your career? Reframe. Don't point out what's wrong, offer an opportunity. What is the positive need you would like them to fulfill?Describe Yourself. Ask what you need by talking about how you feel and what you need, not what they're lacking.
Day 6: The Magic of Mini-Touch Create as many moments of consensual physical connection as possible -- and it doesn't have to be about sex. In fact, kissing activates about 5 out of the 12 cranial nerves, and a 20-second hug gives you a healing dose of oxytocin! How many of these can you pack in a day? At the end of the day, spend a few minutes with your partner sharing how it felt to touch a little more that day -- both giving and receiving.
Day 7: Declare A Date Night! Invite your partner on a mini date. It doesn't have to be a fancy dinner, it can happen in the backyard, or on your porch. It's not about where you are, but about conversation, and time together. Here are some ground rules for dates night:
- No screens.
- Don't drink too much.
- Make sure you're both on board with the plan.
- Don't assume it's going to end in sex.
- If one person needs to talk about what's stressing them out, be open to that.
- It's just the two of you.
More about the 7-day love challenge:
DR. JOHN GOTTMAN is a psychologist and the co-founder of The Gottman Institute.
DR. JULIE GOTTMAN is a clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Gottman Institute and President of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc.
Learn more about the 7-day Love Challenge by reading their book: https://tinyurl.com/34nt5vv9
Related The Science of Happiness episodes:
Who’s Always There For You?: https://tinyurl.com/yt3ejj6w
When It’s Hard to Connect, Try Being Curious: https://tinyurl.com/bde6wyu7
Are Your Remembering The Good Times: https://tinyurl.com/483bkk2h
Related Happiness Breaks:
Loving Kindness Meditation: https://tinyurl.com/2kr4fjz5
A Meditation on How to Be Your Best Self: https://tinyurl.com/3b38pw2f
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Transcription:
DACHER KELTNER: This episode was supported by the John Templeton Foundation initiative Spreading Love Through The Media.
JENNIE WENDELL: Well, we've been together for 26 years, and things get a little boring, and we're together 24/7 pretty much. I mean, Steven's still working, and I'm not. I'm retired, and so, you know, I do some things, and I'm taking care of elderly parents and that kind of stuff, but you know, your relationship can be a little bit dry, and as you get older, certain things aren't as clear, especially when you retire. You're trying to figure out, who are you, and then you're looking at your relationship going well, who are we?
DACHER KELTNER: Welcome to the Science of Happiness. I'm Dacher Keltner. Our relationships are at the heart of what makes life meaningful. And in our Science of Love Series, we're diving into the research behind the bonds that shape us. We'll be sharing expert insights and practices like tips for building friendships as an adult and how to fall in love with just 36 questions, all to help strengthen your connections and bring more fulfillment into your life. Today, we're going to explore how small daily acts can strengthen our relationships even in the face of life's challenges. Our guests, Jennie and Steven Wendell, share their journey of navigating communication, intimacy and the stresses of caregiving while rediscovering their connection through a seven day love prescription grounded in science from relationship experts Julie and John Gottman, whom I deeply admire, this seven day challenge invites couples to build trust and commitment in the small moments of life and later in the show, we hear from the Gottmans themselves.
JOHN GOTTMAN: We did the research and looked at both the masters and disasters of relationships, and empirically found what makes relationships work?
DACHER KELTNER: A seven day pathway to love after this break.
Welcome back to the science of happiness. I'm Dacher Keltner. Today, we're diving into how simple, thoughtful gestures can bring people closer and strengthen relationships even through life's tougher moments. It's part of a series on the Science of Love. Our guests, Jennie and Steven Wendell, are going to walk us through their experiences with each day of a seven day challenge shown in the lab to strengthen relationships. Jennie and Steven, thanks for being on the show.
JENNIE WENDELL: Thanks for having us.
STEVEN WENDELL: Thank you.
DACHER KELTNER: You guys have been together 26 years, which is a testimony to your commitment. And I congratulate you and tell us about how you met and what drew you to each other.
STEVEN WENDELL: So I've been doing astrology for 40 plus years, and this woman I had known said, I have this friend. She really needs a reading. Can you please, please, please read her.
JENNIE WENDELL: We were both divorced, three years without a partner. For me, I just was dating, just the wrong people, and my daughter was seven at the time, and I was ready to find my partner. I was like, Okay, I'm ready. I'm open.
We connected. We spent several hours on the phone, then we spent several hours the next day on the phone.
I was calling him to check in with the fact that I just kept meeting the wrong people, like I didn't know he was going to be the person. It was like he was a fly in my therapist's office. It was basically being completely validated on a very deep level. I think I cried for like two and a half hours straight on the phone with him.
STEVEN WENDELL: And when I looked at her chart and my chart it was a perfect match.
JENNIE WENDELL: He knew me so well and accepted who I was. And then I was like, Well, what about us?
DACHER KELTNER: For our show, you tried the seven day love challenge that was created by psychologists Julie and John Gottman, after studying over 3000 couples in their lab, they have this amazing lab where couples come and live and they figure out what makes for kind of a healthy romantic relationship or partnership. What led you guys to want to do this challenge?
STEVEN WENDELL: Because the things that you do during the seven days were things you just don't do after 26 years on a regular basis.
JENNIE WENDELL: And so when this opportunity came up, we thought, oh, this sounds like something that would be helpful for us.
STEVEN WENDELL:Yeah.
DACHER KELTNER: So day one is a 10 minute check in, and often it's just we get so carried away with the tasks and the kind of the challenges of daily life that we forget to check in. What was it like for you guys to kind of pause and just check in with each other? What did you do?
STEVEN WENDELL: I think we have a habit of checking in because she was a teacher, and so she is always checking in with me. But this was more of a dedicated check in.
JENNIE WENDELL: Because, I mean, we say, Well, how'd you sleep? How are you doing? How are you feeling this morning? But like to really say, Well, what do you need from me today? What could be helpful for you is something we don't really, we don't really ask that much. We don't get to that kind of depth to really, like, check in with the whole person.
DACHER KELTNER: If you were to advise friends who are in struggling partnerships, how would you advise them to ask that question, to check in?
JENNIE WENDELL: Well, I think you know, what do you need from me today? Is a really good question.
STEVEN WENDELL: It's a really good prompt. But it doesn't matter what the prompt is. It's a matter of saying, hey, for the next 10 minutes, we're just going to express how we're doing, you know, locally and globally, you know, and just taking the beat and doing that.
DACHER KELTNER: I can't wait to hear what you guys did on day two, because I love this one. It's a difficult one, which is on day two in the seven day challenge is to ask a big question, an open ended question. You know, it's just hard after so many years in a relationship, like, what's a question I would ask to discover something new about this person? What'd you guys do?
JENNIE WENDELL: See that one was so hard. It was. That was a hard one, like you say. And I had to think about it for a really long time. And I thought about it the day before, and I was like, What am I going to ask him? What do I think is going to be helpful for us, and where am I going to go with it? And then I asked him what he really envisioned in the future, in our future.
DACHER KELTNER: What'd you say, Steven?
STEVEN WENDELL: I don't remember.
I think it just led to another authentic conversation. I do remember sitting when we were having this discussion, it led into a much fuller conversation about short term, medium term, long term for us and the future and the different parameters. There's a lot of different ways life's paths can take us. And so we investigated that, and it probably, we talked for probably almost a half hour from that prompt.
DACHER KELTNER: Nice, what'd you ask? Jennie, what was the big question?
STEVEL WENDELL: I don't remember.
DACHER KELTNER: Steven!
JENNIE WENDELL: I remember it was actually, what happens after your father passes away? What's the next thing? Where do we go? Because really, we're here, and we're not doing anything long term until that occurs, because we're his support system. You know.
DACHER KELTNER: He's nearby?
JENNIE WENDELL: Yes, we live with him, right.
DACHER KELTNER: Yes, serious stuff. Day Three is something Adam Smith, the great economist, would love, which is just express gratitude, say thank you. My former student, Amy Gordon, out of Michigan, did a wonderful paper studying couples coming into the lab and talking to each other, and those couples who just said thank you, they actually were more likely to stay together. It's just the glue of social bonds saying thank you.
STEVEN WENDELL: This day is when I finally realized you should have prompts like this for us in any relationship communication key, right? We have a shared Google Calendar, so we had these prompts on our calendar. And this is the point I went and said, Get these prompts on your calendar and do these things multiple times a month. Whatever it may be, because this was the one that drew me back to having a top of mind during the day. And I'm now realizing I'm incorporating it each day, because it was a huge thing to add the words thank you to our normal course of talk of the things that we do for each other.
DACHER KELTNER: And it's so striking that the technologies that we now plan our days according to, yeah, they remind us to do our sit ups or meetings that we have, and they leave out just the fundamental stuff of social life. How about you, Jennie, what was striking to you about just appreciating Steven?
JENNIE WENDELL: Well, I think I definitely gave you gratitude and thanked you for participating in this with me that this was something you were open to doing, because I didn't know if you would be. I also had been trying over the last year to have more gratitude and thank him more often for things, because I felt that that was something that we needed, and so it was really nice for me to also be getting it in response as well.
DACHER KELTNER: Absolutely, day four is about compliments. And you know, it is hard to, in long relationships like yours to find the things to compliment about. And Gottman, earlier in his work with Bob Levinson, was documenting that rather than compliment, couples can get into this default tendency to criticize, just to always be critiquing and pointing out flaws and mistakes. Unhappy couples, it's often like an hour and a half a day of just being slammed or critiqued. So it's hard to avoid. And so how do you guys build compliments into your relationship?
JENNIE WENDELL: It's interesting because in here, it was a compliment and not a fake one. So like, “oh, you look nice today.” Or, you know, but more like, really appreciate how Steven is with my father. He's like, so genuine and caring and open and concerned and shows so much friendship and thoughtfulness with my dad. It's like, heartfelt. It's those kinds of things, like really taking the time to see what do I have gratitude for in the kind of person that he is, because we definitely play the blame game in our relationship, and we definitely criticize each other, and we are both working on not doing those things because neither of us like it very much. So this was a chance to do something different from that.
DACHER KELTNER: And how about you, Stephen? Like when you thought about complimenting Jennie, what were the possibilities that came to mind?
STEVEN WENDELL: When you talked about critiquing, I always felt like a fifth grade student while she was 20 years of being a fifth grade teacher, right? But since she's retired, that's shifted, and it shifted because she is not as stressed in her daily life. But I can understand that in couples, in long term, if couples are both out there grinding away like we did for so many years. It's very difficult to break out of the patterns that get set in due to the stress each individual or the relationship is under.
DACHER KELTNER: It's almost like each moment has this choice of like, critique or compliment. I just love to hear your thoughts about not only what you did, and this is day five, ask for what you need, but what are barriers to this? This feels like a hard one to me.
JENNIE WENDELL: That was super hard.
DACHER KELTNER: Really?
JENNIE WENDELL: Yeah. It's not just ask for what you need, it's describe yourself and your feelings about what you need. So it wasn't like, “hey, I need you to do this for me,” because then it's you and me. It was, “I'm feeling lonely and I like to be snuggled at night.” I had to figure out, how do I rephrase it? So that it's actually about me, and coming not just from an I statement, but really something stronger. It was, that was hard.
STEVEN WENDELL: When she came up with that. I think it was more valuable that the need was towards the relationship, it wasn't towards self. And that's why it's a challenging question. And we've actually started a better practice of snuggling, because she brought it up, and it works nice, great prompt.
DACHER KELTNER: I'm all for snuggling.
JENNIE WENDELL: I think I actually really need to be touched and need to be close and need to feel safe in that way for me to feel seen.
DACHER KELTNER: Well, it's a good segway, Jennie, because day six is about practicing mini touch. I've done a lot of research on touch, and just like, you know, snuggling and high fives and hugs and embraces and wrestling, it's also fundamental to connection, you know, and the science is right on that, which is it lowers cortisol and elevates oxytocin levels and can stimulate the vagus nerve and helps with your stress. So I'm so happy to see this as day six practice mini touch. What do you guys do?
JENNIE WENDELL: I often reach out for him and touch him and grab him, and, you know, am close and want to do that because kind of like the gratitude, I realize that the more I model it, the more it might come back my way. And so when we're consciously doing it, he really was conscious about it, and it was super nice. I really liked it.
DACHER KELTNER: What did it give to your relationship, emotionally? Or how would you describe it?
JENNIE WENDELL: I felt young.
STEVEN WENDELL: You know, leading up to this, these are all just really fundamental things to keep a relationship healthy. And for us at this long coming back to our roots is what this has reminded us to do.
DACHER KELTNER: And as a scientist, to me, these are the roots of connection, right, which is appreciation and touch and good questions and the like. So last but not least is day seven, which is the sacred date night. And you know, it's so hard to find those date nights. What do you guys plan? And what'd you do? And how'd it go?
STEVEN WENDELL: It took a long time to decide what to do, but we tried something new. We went to a new Thai restaurant just up the street from us that we could walk to. And what I got out of that was, you know, it's like trying something new.
DACHER KELTNER: How was the date night for you, Jennie?
JENNIE WENDELL: It felt short, but during the time, it was really nice. I think that we had an experience together, and we were kind of more aware, and like acute awareness happening around each other and also just around where we were, and that was exciting. So I would hope that we can declare date nights and have them be a little longer.
DACHER KELTNER: As you did these seven different practices. Did you notice any tools there for you, you know, for the future?
JENNIE WENDELL: Yeah, I mean just stopping and really listening to what's going on with Steven, over what's going on with us, or what's going on with me, giving him time to process through things.
STEVEN WENDELL: It makes me want to perpetuate this foundational stuff. It actually, you know, almost like taught me the, you know, simple, basic principles of relationship. And it's something I don't think you get out of a book or reading an article. You do the exercises, and the exercises are what bring you back to home base.
JENNIE WENDELL: It was nice to share something together that wasn't just his or mine, you know? I mean, he's working. He has his hobbies. I have my hobbies. I'm doing my cooking. And so it was just something that was ours.
STEVEN WENDELL: It's almost like with yoga and trying to slow your mind down, well, you've got to slow people down so the relationship can have some quality time on its own.
DACHER KELTNER: Well, Jennie and Steven, thank you for all the heart that you put into the seven day challenge and all the benefits that you seem to have derived. So thanks for being on the show.
JENNIE WENDELL: Well, thanks for having us and thanks for sharing this. Because I truly feel like it changed our relationship. You can have a really great foundation of a relationship, but that doesn't mean that there aren't things that can't grow and change, and I feel like we've had that experience through this, and we'll continue it and try and remind ourselves of it.
DACHER KELTNER: Up next, we hear from the experts who created the seven day love prescription, after interviewing over 3000 couples to explore what keeps love enduring.
SHUKA KALANTARI: Are you ready to strengthen your relationship? Sign up for our free 7-day Love Challenge newsletter and get step-by-step tips to help you build deeper connections with your partner by visiting greatergood.berkeley.edu/7daylovechallenge. That's the number seven. That’s greatergood.berkeley.edu/7daylovechallenge. Greatergood.berkeley.edu/7daylovechallenge. You can also find a link in our show notes.
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DACHER KELTNER: Hi, welcome back to the Science of Happiness. I'm Dacher Keltner.
Today we're diving into the details of the seven day love challenge with its creators, psychologists Julie and John Gottman, who developed it based on decades of research. Our executive producer Shuka Kalantari sat down with the Gottmans to uncover practical tips for making the most of the Seven Day Love Challenge.
SHUKA KALANTARI: Hi everybody. Working on this episode got me thinking about my own life. I've been with my partner for 20 years. We've got two young kids, and getting alone time feels as rare as seeing a shooting star. And it's not just us. I see so many couples in the same boat. Kids are no kids, all struggling to make that space. Psychologists Julie and John Gottman noticed the same pattern in their research. More and more couples are drifting apart, often caught up in the demands of dual careers, living parallel, but very disconnected lives.
JULIE GOTTMAN: So we really wanted to bring couples back together in these small, little, bite sized chunks over the course of a week.
SHUKA KALANTARI: That's Julie Gottman, to recap, on day one, you do a 10 minute check in.
JULIE GOTTMAN: A check in means just asking your partner, how is your day? How are you doing, and trying not to bring up the checklist of things that every couple has to do, leave that on the table, and the listener would just simply listen without offering advice, without criticizing, in order to connect with their partner.
SHUKA KALANTARI: Be on the lookout for small bits of connection, things like eye contact, a smile, a sigh, or calling your name from another room.
JOHN GOTTMAN: The idea really is to have these points of connection between people so that they can have a ritual that allows them to connect emotionally, so they don't have parallel lives.
SHUKA KALANTARI: That's John Gottman. On the second day of the Love Challenge, ask a meaningful, open ended question. And it doesn't need to be anything big or serious. It can be anything at all.
JULIE GOTTMAN: They are questions that are looking at the heart of the individual, the values, the needs, the core beliefs. And I think my favorite question is, do you have a dream about doing something, having a bucket list, or experiencing something that I don't know about because I want to hear it.
SHUKA KALANTATI: On day three, set aside some time to play detective and notice all the positive things your partner does throughout the day, and then thank them for it.
JULIE GOTTMAN: Change your habit of mind. Instead of looking for what your partner is doing wrong and pointing that out, you point out what your partner is doing right and say thank you.
JOHN GOTTMAN: Changing habit of mind changes you so that you notice all the good. Things that are happening in your life.
SHUKA KALANTARI: On day four, give a real compliment.
JULIE GOTTMAN: So the compliment really has to come from that internal world of yours about something you really appreciate, some characteristic that you love in your partner.
SHUKA KALANTARI: And if you're stuck finding one?
JULIE GOTTMAN: look beyond, look beyond. You know, one of my favorite exercises is if you're having a hard time finding a compliment, think this way. Imagine your partner has died and you are alone. Imagine sleeping in your bed alone. Imagine walking around your house alone. Imagine going through your day, all day, all night, day after day alone. What are you missing about your partner? Because what you're missing is what creates a wonderful compliment.
SHUKA KALANTARI: Day five, ask for what you need by expressing how you feel and what would help, rather than focusing on what's missing or what your partner is doing wrong.
JULIE GOTTMAN: So instead of saying, I can't stand how you do nothing in the kitchen, the dishes are always filthy. I have to redo them. I hate that you're gonna say I'm upset about my cleaning the kitchen by myself. I would really love it if you helped me after dinner every night.
JOHN GOTTMAN: It's hard for a lot of people to ask for what they need, because we're taught that being needy is somehow bad, and yet, you know, really knowing what your partner needs is really important, so you don't have to guess, and you get also a kind of formula for how to win points in the relationship when a need is expressed that way. You know, rather than feeling like an attack for what you did wrong. You actually get a pathway for winning points in a relationship.
SHUKA KALANTARI: The Gottmans have a motto, “Touch is like oxygen. You can't live without it.” That leads to day six practice, mini touch with your partner. You can hug for 20 seconds, hold hands, cut on the couch, maybe trade a 10 minute massage.
JULIE GOTTMAN: In one of our studies, we incorporated into a two day workshop 15 minutes of massage that the partner would give the pregnant other partner a day.
SHUKA KALANTARI: They found that pregnant women who got massages were 1/3 less likely to have symptoms of postpartum depression than those who didn't.
JULIE GOTTMAN: So touch is very powerful, and hopefully every couple can integrate more touch into their relationship.
SHUKA KALANTARI: The final day, declare a date night and the Gottmans set some ground rules for this. Make sure you both agree on the plan. It's just the two of you, no screens. Don't drink too much and you don't have to spend money. Just have a date night.
JOHN GOTTMAN: The largest study that's ever been done on what makes for great sex and romance and passion was 70,000 people in 24 countries found that people who say they have a great sex life really do have a date night, and they have a way of making the relationship itself a priority, a date night where they're not talking about their long to do list, but they're really connecting with each other and keeping romance alive.
SHUKA KALANTARI: Making romance a priority and making connection a priority really makes a huge difference in relationships. So if you want to try out the seven day Love Challenge, or are thinking of friends who would appreciate it, visit greatergood.berkeley.edu/7daylovechallenge. That's the number seven. greatergood.berkeley.edu/7daylovechallenge, and you can also find the link in our show notes wherever you’re listening.
DACHER KELTNER: Thanks, Shuka. We're continuing our exploration of the Science of Love on our next episode of The Science of Happiness, with 36 questions shown to make people fall in love or create fast friendships.
BEN WALLIN: When we first started dating, it was easy to sort of just talk with you about the world, the universe, because that's all we needed to do. Like we weren't living together. We didn't have other responsibilities. And when other responsibilities come in, you need to take time and with intentionality. A lot of people do that through therapy, but doing these 36 questions is way cheaper than therapy, way cheaper. You can just download them.
AMBER WALLIN: We've done therapy too, though.
BEN WALLIN: Yeah, no, we've done therapy too, but I think it was a little bit easier to set this up. [laughter]
DACHER KELTNER: Thanks for joining us on The Science of Happiness. Our associate producers are Emily Brower and Dasha Zerboni. Our sound designer is Jennie Cataldo of Accompany Studios. Shuka Kalantari is our executive producer. I'm your host, Dacher Keltner. Have a great day… or night!
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