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What’s your greater purpose in life? It’s a tough question, especially if you’re feeling uncertain about your future. In this episode, our guest explores that very question—and gets handed a magic wand with the power to make the world a better place.
How To Do The Magic Wand Practice
- Set aside 15 minutes to reflect and write.
- Think about the world you live in – your home, your community, and the world at large.
- Imagine you’ve been given a magic wand, and you can change anything you want to change in the world. What would you want to be different? Why? Describe your ideal world in writing.
- Now, reflect on what it would take to change the world in this way. Is there anything you can do to help move the world closer to this ideal? If so, explain how; if not, explain why not.
Guest: Selina Bilal is a UC Berkeley undergraduate student who is studying psychology, and a Fellow at Greater Good Science Center, where we produce The Science of Happiness
Expert Guest: Kendall Cotton Bronk is a professor of psychology in the Division of Behavioral & Social Sciences at Claremont University.
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Transcript
SELINA BILAL I haven't been very expressive growing up. After my mom got divorced, we had some rough years where we weren't able to communicate very well. And my defense mechanism just became shutting down.
The fact that I was an only child and all her attention was on me really, um, you know, amplified the problem. And along with that, I feel like I wasn't able to see her perspective a lot of the time. I wasn't able to humanize her. For me, she was just, Mom, who doesn't understand me and wants to argue with me and I wasn't able to understand a lot of why she did what she did. I would just get numb and just shut down and, you know, just not express any love.
I cannot understand for the life of me why out of all the things we can choose to shut up about we choose words of love. You know, I love you. I care about you. I'm grateful for you. These are all good things to say. Why in the world should we choose to regulate love?
So I feel like when I talk about my ideal world, it when I talk about my ideal world, it really centers around compassion and the expression of love and trust. And thinking about its implementation, I began reflecting on how I can bring about this change.
DACHER KELTNER: Welcome to the Science of Happiness, I'm Dacher Keltner. What would you do if you had a magic wand, and could better the world in any way? How would you change it?
It may seem like a silly question, but research shows that pondering it can make you feel more hopeful, optimistic and have a clearer sense of your own guiding purpose.
Our guest this week, Selina Bilal, is an undergraduate student at UC Berkeley and my former Science of Happiness student. She asked herself this question while visiting her family in Pakistan during her summer break, with the hopes of identifying her own purpose, and understanding what brings meaning to others.
Selina joins us to share what she discovered, and later hear from psychologist Kendall Cotton Bronk about how we can sort of train ourselves to have clearer sense of our purpose, and why we should.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK One of the clearest things from all of the research that's been conducted on purpose is that understanding how it is that you want to leave your mark, and living your life in a way that enables you to act on those aims, it's associated with so many positive outcomes.
DACHER KELTNER More, after these messages from our sponsors.
DACHER KELTNER I'm Dacher Keltner, Welcome back to The Science of Happiness. Finding your greater purpose in life can feel elusive, as a young adult, and really at any age. We all struggle at times with knowing the right direction to take and how it contributes to the greater good.
Selina Bilal, my former Science of Happiness student at UC Berkeley, always new she wanted do good in the world, but she didn't fully understand what that meant until she did a lab-tested practice all about using your imagination. Selina imagined what a perfect world looked like to her, and ways that she could help society get a little bit closer to that vision. She joins us to today to share what she learned. Selina, thanks so much for joining us for the show today.
SELINA BILAL Yes, of course. Thank you so much. I'm really excited to be here.
DACHER KELNTER So the practice we had you try asked you to imagine that you had a magic wand, which gave you the power to change anything that you want in the world from your home, the community, things that are going on in the world at large. I'm just curious before we get to the practice. Where are you in your life right now? And how are you thinking about the practice and sort of trying to find a sense of purpose in your young life?
SELINA BILAL It was a really great experience engaging in this activity because a lot of the times in the middle of class, in the middle of reaching for our goals we're on autopilot most of the time and we don't even realize it. So it's really nice to sit and reflect why our goals are what they are, what our purpose is, why it's our purpose, how it affects us and the people around us. Because if it doesn't mean anything to us, then what's the point of even doing it?
DACHER KELNTER I know. And One of the real benefits of facing hardship is if you have a sense of purpose it, it makes it less stressful and less likely to burn out. I'm curious, you have this exercise of magic wand, change your home life, your community, the world. What did you write about?
SELINA BILAL4:13 When I imagined myself with a magic wand, honestly, my own mind went, and I was in Pakistan at the time, so my mind went straight to the times I've spent playing fairy godmother, singing Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo during the scavenger hunts that I planned for my three younger cousins.They're named Rahim, Zaviar, and Ismail. And they're like my brothers, and if I have a magic wand, I want to use it to create the kind of world I want for them.
In this world, I imagine people who are compassionate to one another and we're not. We're not hesitant to say I love you, simply. Like, jus picking up on people's bad days and being able to smile, being able to be a bit more altruistic, not being as selfish because I feel like, I know, it's important to be a bit individualistic at times. It's important to think about me. It's important to think I I need to prioritize myself for now But I feel like we've moved a little bit too much towards the individualistic culture. Like there's a balance to find and that balance is what I see my ideal world to be.And I feel like this lack of expression of love, that's what explains a lot of my troublesome relationship with my mom and my family in the past too, because we only started healing after we humanized each other and started expressing more love. I know it sounds overly simplistic, but help out a stranger, smile, give someone a compliment, listen with an open mind. It won't solve everything, but it's a start.
DACHER KELNTER I hear you. I know when you talk with Shuka and our team here, they suggested that you ask some of the family members in Pakistan to think using the magic wand exercise and writing ideal worlds. What did you think your family members would write about?
SELINA BILAL o I think for me personally, doing it in Pakistan, as well as talking to those around me, made it all the more insightful. It really helped me gain a better idea about my purpose, but it also helped them learn about themselves as people. And I thought to myself, I want to be compassionate, full of empathy. I want to be warm and loving and I want to be trusting. All these things I want the world to be.
But when Shuka reached out to me about this podcast, I was really doubtful of the whole thing because we're not the most open family and I guess I personally am not very open with my family either. We're very different in terms of beliefs, values, who we are. Because of these differences, the thought of being vulnerable with them, talking about their purpose, or even thinking about who I am as a person, was scary to me and it brought this weird sense of discomfort. My mind went straight to labels and assumptions that I had about things they may say or they may believe about what their purpose might be. I thought their purpose would be an embodiment of all our differences because and as I didn't did this I understood what was wrong I wanted a compassionate world. I wanted to be a compassionate person and yet I was selective with my compassion. All I was envisioning were actually these labels which were Cold, conservative, unavailable, unwelcoming, which is not fair. I was seeing them as exactly those labels, without compassion. And my purpose, is actually compassion, which is so ironic, because when I'm actually in my hometown, I am my least compassionate self. All along, I never actually applied my own purpose to my hometown.
Someone has to break the cycle. And someone has to start expressing love and if my purpose is really that then I need to be embodying that especially with my family. So basically, Thinking about what I want the world to be got me thinking about who I want to be. And as they say, be the change you want to see in the world.
DACHER KELNTER How did they surprised you with what they said? What did they say about their ideal world?
SELINA BILAL When we actually started talking about these things, it turned out to bring us together. We ended up sharing our own vulnerabilities with each other, which made me realize we're not all that different. Yes, there are differences, but we tend to accentuate them so much more than our similarities, you know. In the end of the day, we're pretty much the same.
I spoke to my mom. She talked about imagining a world, an ideal world where there is less poverty. When she thought about what she could do about it, she actually came up with a plan to start up her own charitable organization. And when she thought about more personal level stuff, she herself became more open to love, which is really, really nice to hear. Because, you know, all this time, I envisioned this ideal life for her where she still finds love, where she gets married again, she's happy and she lives her life, and is content, you know?
I also spoke to a lot more of my family members. I talked to my dad, who hasn't been all that present in my life for the past few years, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand his purpose. And I feel like having this conversation with him about purpose, Helped us open up a bit more and him to realize what was really important in his life, the relationships and, you know, the love that he was missing out on, so wrapped up in some of his own personal stuff that wasn't as meaningful, you know.
And I did this activity with my cousin. And actually my younger cousins and I set it as a task in one of our scavenger hunts where I set up materials for them and had them craft magic wands and write about their ideal world in them as well. Rahim was passionate about helping the poor and Zavi spoke about hunger. And so we came about ways to help these causes. So Rahim ended up deciding a bunch of toys to donate. And Zavi and I planned a day where we'd give out food to the poor and not waste our own food. And these kids are 7 and 10, so I feel like thinking about such stuff through such an activity is really an important step in creating a healthy moral compass and to becoming a compassionate person.
DACHER KELNTER I'm curious if going through this exercise of Using the magic wand has it it affected your academic engagement? We know from research that when students You know, have sort of a sense of a clear sense of their ideal future. They perform better academically. How are you feeling academically coming out of this exercise?
SELINA BILAL I think honestly, 100%. Like, when I have my purpose set in mind and I know what I really want, I tend to perform much better because I know what I'm working towards, you know? And then, when the lows come, they're not as low because I know to be compassionate towards myself. I talked a lot about compassion in my ideal world, and a lot of it also involves self-compassion, you know?
I feel like growing up I forgot to practice self compassion and I want to be a compassionate person. So I have to be kind to myself too. Which is really actually hard to do at home in Pakistan because I associate all that with home. Being critical of myself, feeling like I'm not enough, feeling like I'm not beautiful enough if I don't fit the social norm. So every time I go back, it takes a couple months to bounce back. But this time it was somewhat easier.
And I think this activity really helped me with that. When I narrowed down my purpose to these ideas that center on compassion, the need to be compassionate to myself really stood out. And this time, when I came back from Pakistan, I feel so much emotionally healthier and more compassionate to myself. And that has shown in my academics as well. Because if I feel it's something I'm not as guilt ridden and I am much more, you know, easier on myself, which is important because otherwise, you know, you become a robot.
DACHER KELNTER Well, Selina Bilal, we are so grateful for all the work you do, and also for taking these practices on the road and seeing what they're like in your family in Pakistan and for sharing time today. It's been wonderful to have you as a guest.
SELINA BILAL Of course. Thank you so much for having me.
DACHER KELTNER Up next we're going to hear from the psychologist who created the Magic Wand practice.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK Individuals with purpose take better care of their health. They eat more of their fruits and vegetables, they get more sleep at night, they see the doctor more regularly, they exercise.
DACHER KELTNER More, up next.
DACHER KELTNER Hi everybody, this is Dacher Keltner. Welcome back to The Science of Happiness. The Magic Wand exercise that Selina Bilal tried for our show was created by psychologist Kendall Cotton Bronk, an expert on how purpose affects our health and happiness.
Shuka Kalantari spoke with Kendall about how she came about creating a toolkit to help people find their own purpose, and how our sense of purpose has developed over the past 20 years.
SHUKA KALANTARI Kendall Cotton Bronk first starting thinking what she wanted to give back to the world, when her husband got really sick.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK He just collapsed one night, ambulances, the whole nine yards. And it turned out that he needed a heart transplant. And he was really lucky to get an organ and he did really well. He's done phenomenally well. But I have to admit, an experience like that really caused me to step back and think about my own purpose in life. That was more than 20 years ago now.
SHUKA KALANTARI Today, Bronk is a leading psychologist in the study of how purpose relates to healthy development. She defines purpose as the intention to achieve something deeply meaningful on a broader scale.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK It matters a lot to who we are. In fact, it matters so much that it inspires us to dedicate our time, our energy and our resources, towards making progress towards that aim.
And I should note that most purposes in life are not goals that are readily attainable, but they are goals towards what you can make progress. So, you know, working towards improving the environment or cleaning up the environment. I'm not sure there'll ever be a moment in time when we'll say we're done with that, right? Check that one off. But that's definitely something we can work towards.
SHUKA KALANTARI But it was somewhat by accident that Bronk developed a toolkit designed to help people nurture a greater sense of purpose.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK One of our very earliest studies of purpose, we conducted these interviews designed to try to understand what matters most to young people today, what what might be filling their lives with purpose. And at the end of our interviews, we were really surprised by the feedback that we got from young people. They loved these interviews. They kept telling us like, "Wow, I said some good stuff in there. Can I get the recording?" Or, "Can I get the transcript?"
SHUKA KALANTARI Bronk found it remarkable that one interview had such a significant impact on their interest in discovering their own purpose.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK But we've realized we can't really run around the country and just interview all young people, as fun as that might be. And so we thought, "Well, how could we take this interview and turn it into a set of online toolkits that young people could engage in, to cultivate purpose in their own lives?"
We actually came up with a whole bunch of activities that we thought might theoretically, you know, based on the research, help young people cultivate a purpose for their lives.
SHUKA KALANTARI Over the course of three days, they spent 15 to 20 minutes a day completing a series of online activities, like the Magic Wand practice.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK We would ask young people, "Imagine you could change anything you wanted to change about the world. What would you want to be different and why?"
SHUKA KALANTARI Bronk discovered that these reflections gave them a heightened sense of purpose, even two weeks after they did the practices. Her study also revealed several common themes.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK So definitely having family is really a common source of purpose among the thousands of young people that we have interviewed to date. Another pretty common source of purpose is career purpose. Four out of five young people looking at careers today, one of the top things that they're looking for is a career that will provide them with purpose, enable them to feel as though they're making a personally meaningful difference in the broader world.
SHUKA KALANTARI Over the past 20 years, Bronk says she's noticed generational differences in how and when people start considering their greater purpose.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK Young people have become much more aware of what it means to live a life of purpose, and they have seen the value in that in a way that you know, they didn't before. When we first started doing research on this and we started asking young people about their purposes in life, they would tell us, "No one's asking me about this. Nobody's shows any interest in understanding how it is I want to leave my mark. They want to know where I want to go to college and this kind of thing, but they're not asking me about how, how do I want to live my life?" And I think that over time, those kinds of questions have become a little more common. And so this idea of purpose is a little more front of mind and young people today recognize the importance of living a life of purpose.
One of the clearest things from all of the research that's been conducted on purpose is that understanding what it is that really gets you going in the morning, how it is that you want to leave your mark, and living your life in a way that enables you to act on those aims, it's associated with so many positive outcomes. Individuals with purpose report better cardiovascular health. They sleep better at night. It contributes to longevity. They take better care of their health. They eat more of their fruits and vegetables, they get more sleep at night, they see the doctor more regularly, they exercise.
And so I think that's just the clearest finding out there is that leading a life of purpose is really a good thing.
SHUKA KALANTARI If it feels like a daunting task to sit down and think about your life's purpose, consider following Selina Bilal’s approach and involve others. Bilal gathered her family in Pakistan to do the Magic Wand practice together, and that strengthened her own sense of purpose.
KENDALL COTTON BRONK Doing so can be a little awkward, it can make you a little bit vulnerable. But when somebody sits down and says, "You know, here's what my purpose is," it immediately makes purpose feel attainable, right? Because, "Here's somebody I know somebody interact within a daily basis in their living purpose. So I can do this too." So not only does sharing your purpose with others help them reflect on their own purpose in life, but it also sort of gives them the permission to reflect on their own purpose because they begin to recognize that a purpose can be very attainable and it doesn't need to be something that feels too big and too lofty to even attempt.
So iIf you're struggling to articulate your purpose in life, the reflective process is key, but don't feel like you have to be all on your own. Recruit others to sort of help you think through these issues and maybe help challenge you on these issues a bit. And our research suggests that really will help clarify what it is that matters most to you.
DACHER KELTNER Thanks for joining us on The Science of Happiness. Our research assistants are Dasha Zerboni and Selina Bilal. Our sound designer is Jennie Cataldo of Accompany Studios. Our executive producer is Shuka Kalantari. I'm Dacher Keltner. I hope you're having as much fun as I am on this journey through happiness.
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