The common stereotype of teenagers in TV shows and movies is the sullen teen who doesn’t want to talk to anyone—least of all their parents. It’s the teenage boy who, when you ask how his day was, mumbles, “Fine.” Or the teenage girl who, after a simple request to set the table, storms off to her room complaining about how you’re always telling her what to do. With this in mind, we might feel like the adolescent years are bound to be filled with awkward or even brooding silence between us and our teens.
But three new studies suggest that teens thrive when they are motivated to talk to others, including family—and they’re also very sensitive to the response they receive in return.
Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist at NYU who coauthored one of these studies, believes that teens fostering this connection with others, and being listened to when they are willing to share, will go a long way toward addressing the soaring rates of depression, anxiety, and other socially driven challenges among young people.
Socially curious teens are happier
Curiosity about other people, or “interpersonal curiosity,” involves a willingness and desire to reach out to others and get to know about their inner and outer experiences.
In one study, a group of researchers surveyed almost 400 seventh graders in New York City from diverse backgrounds about their interpersonal curiosity, as well as their relationships and well-being.
The first key finding from the study was that interpersonal curiosity comes in a few different forms for teens. The researchers asked these teens what questions they’d like to ask their friends, family, and teachers, and most of their questions fell into one of four categories:
- Curiosity about me: These are questions about the person who is asking, often to understand or explore the self. For example, “What do you honestly think about me?”
- Curiosity about you: These questions are about the person being asked, in an attempt to understand that person: “What is your biggest fear?”
- Curiosity about our relationship: These are questions about the relationship between the teen and the person being asked, often exploring the connection between the two: “What is your favorite memory of us together?”
- Curiosity about your relationships: These questions are about the other relationships of the person being asked, usually to understand the bond between that person and others: “Do you actually hate your brother?”
Overall, teens who were higher in each of these four types of curiosity tended to be more empathic, engage in more active listening, and have better-quality friendships. In particular, those high in “curiosity about you”—which might be a key quality in teens willing to reach out to peers—were most likely to report being empathic and active listeners.
Interpersonal curiosity could serve as a catalyst for teens to reach out to others and foster the connections that are so important to them during this time of life.
Silence can be golden, but listening is divine
While curiosity might motivate teens to reach out to peers, another study shows what happens when they are not able to connect.
Researchers interviewed a group of six Canadian teens regularly over three years. Through these interviewers, the researchers looked at how teens felt at times when they were talking and listening to others, as well as when they were silent or quiet in the company of friends and family.
In general, all of these teens felt happy when they were talking and listening.
As one teenage boy put it, “When I am talking, I can give my side of the story, I can really have people understand what I am trying to say.” Another girl shared that when listening, “If it is one of my friends, then I would feel like I’m helping them…so I kind of feel the same as I feel when I am talking.”
How did teens feel when they were silent around others? Those results were a bit more mixed. Some of the teens felt OK being silent, such as a girl who shared, “I feel good, it makes me understand other people’s points of view and how they feel . . . instead of just knowing what I think myself.” Others felt like they were missing out on connection, such as a girl who shared that she felt “like I should be better [at] speaking with them, in conversation.”
What was more consistent was that when these teens felt they weren’t being listened to, their well-being plummeted. One teen reported feeling “kind of unwanted.” This suggests how important it is that we give teens our attention when they are sharing with us.
How we respond to teens matters
Similarly, a third study also suggested that teens are sensitive to the response they get when they reach out to connect, with friends in particular.
Researchers examined how two friends responded to each other while having a 15-minute conversation in the lab about a problem each one was experiencing.
The researchers found that teens who received positive and engaged responses when sharing about their problem, such as asking questions or saying something supportive, experienced lower depressive symptoms nine months later. Conversely, those who received negative or disengaged responses, such as changing the subject or minimizing the problem, had a heightened risk for depressive symptoms nine months later.
Interestingly, the strongest benefits seemed to come for friends who matched each other’s level of positive responses, especially among girls. So if one girl shared a lot of positive responses while her friend only shared a few, this left that pair worse off than two friends who both shared only a few positive responses. This suggests that teens get the most from reaching out when their friend responds in kind.
The only situation when this was not true was when both friends said little to nothing. As much as it is important for teens to feel met where they are, if neither person is willing to take a step toward vulnerability, then they both lose out.
Clearly, the way others respond in these situations can have a big impact on how the sharer feels afterward. Imagine opening up to a friend or family member about a difficult situation, only to have that person hijack the conversation and focus on themselves. For teens, who are wired to care deeply about their relationships, this can be devastating.
Social support is critical during the teen years as young people encounter new and complex challenges. These challenges are part of the reason why mental health challenges such as depression often start during adolescence and young adulthood. So the responses teens get from peers and parents when they reach out are very meaningful.
Taken together, these studies highlight that teens who are willing to reach out—displaying curiosity and engaging with others who are receptive to them—are more likely to foster the connections that can help them feel at their best. As Niobe Way encourages, “I want people to activate their five-year-old sense of wonder about other people, as that is the solution to their and our crisis of connection.”
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