Five Ways Parents Can Help Kids Navigate Social Media

From Instagram to YouTube, Snapchat to TikTok, social media platforms expose tweens and teens to an endless, constant scroll of people, places, images, and ideas that are almost impossible for adults to vet. According to a recent poll from Gallup and the Walton Family Foundation, 37% of parents say they often or very often worry about the amount of time kids spend on social media, and 39% often or very often worry about the experiences they have on social media. That places social media among the top parent worries—just a smidge behind the 40% who worry over their kids’ mental health in general, their experiences at school, and their physical safety, and a few points behind stressing out about their teens’ plans for their future (42%).

While there are certainly benefits to social media—and many individuals who are quite capable of navigating social media more positively than others—that worry is not misplaced. As U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy points out in his Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, kids between the ages of 10 and 19 are “undergoing a highly sensitive period of brain development.” It’s when their sense of self and self-worth are still forming. It’s also when they’re most emotionally sensitive, susceptible to peer pressure, and vulnerable to taking risks that they should probably walk away from.

As he and other experts agree, more research is needed to establish whether social media is a direct cause of the rise in mental health issues in young people—but the correlations between the two are hard to ignore, particularly because their brains are developing right now; and not, say, a few years from now when we might have more data and answers.

Social media companies have a lot of work to do in terms of protecting kids from harm, states Murthy. That includes guarding children’s privacy, enforcing age minimums, and responding to parents’ concerns in a timelier way. Until improvements are made, parents can’t just assume that whoever created any particular app has your child’s best interest at heart, or even knows to at least do no harm. Here are some research-based guidelines for parents:

Set guardrails early. Zach Rausch, lead researcher on Jonathan Haidt’s recent bestselling book The Anxious Generation, recommends delaying smartphone use until high school and social media use until age 16. That may sound difficult, but he says doing that with a group of other like-minded families can help. If it is in fact not possible, experts advise establishing ground rules before giving kids a smartphone, like making certain rooms technology-free or limiting use to certain times of day. When you talk to your kids about managing social media before they start using it, you are less likely to have to resort to more draconian measures later on that don’t tend to work very well. “Like anything that’s highly gratifying in the moment and difficult to stop, we have to keep an eye on it so we can control it,” says Leora Trub, associate professor of psychology at Pace University in New York City. “And it’s helpful for kids to understand that at the onset.”

Manage expectations. People rely on social media for different reasons: marketing a brand, learning a skill, building a community. Disappointment arises when the outcome is not what you had hoped. If you want to learn how to play a song on the guitar just for fun, YouTube may be a great resource; but if you want to win a competition, you may need to study with a real instructor. Similarly, if emotional support is what you need, that may not be forthcoming on social media. Teens need to understand that we need to put real-life effort into forging meaningful friendships. Helping young people crystallize what they hope to get from social media allows them to use them more appropriately, says Trub. But also, she cautions, “We don’t always know what we want. We might think we want one thing but really want another. So an honest and ongoing examination of that is helpful.”

Decide on a strategy together. Have an open, non-judgmental conversation about social media, says Amy Green, head of research at Hopelab, which recently funded a national survey with Common Sense Media, on young people and social media. Ask your kid: What do they like about it? What are the things that bother them about it? Trub suggests, “You can even mention to your kids your own susceptibilities—for instance, ‘I know when I’m on Instagram, it’s hard for me to stop scrolling.’” Then work together to figure out a way to make things better, such as agreeing when to take a break, adjusting the settings, or forgoing certain platforms altogether. Young people value being able to exercise some independence and autonomy, so having them involved will go over better than the parent dictating restrictions. As the recent Gallup poll noted, 83% of Generation Z kids actually find it helpful (66%) or even very helpful (17%) to talk with parents about experiences on social media.

Be mindful of changes in emotions or behavior. If your child is suddenly disengaging from friends, schoolwork, or any typically enjoyed activities, check in with them and help them get the care they may need. These might be signs of a mental health issue, whether it’s from incidents arising from social media use or in the real world. But keep in mind, says Trub, that “some kids will delve into what’s wrong, but some won’t.” Parents can let kids know that there are people other than their parents that they can talk to, if they prefer that. It may also be helpful for parents to check in with other adults in the child’s life, such as a teacher, coach, or parent of your child’s close friend, to see what they have noticed.

Make time to connect. Spend quality time with your child. Of course, for teens, that’s easier said than done—and, according to Trub, that’s often because “we tend to want them to stop what they are doing and enter our world,” when instead, “we have to find ways to enter the worlds of our children.” That might, say, involve asking what they enjoy seeing on social media and engaging them from there. Or suggesting an activity you all enjoy (say, watching a baseball game, cooking, or even playing a video game) and making that a jumping-off point for conversations. Beyond that, make sure to celebrate their accomplishments and pull them up when they feel down—fostering resilience and a healthy level of self-worth enables kids to stand up to not just tough situations in real life, but also online. Also important: Let them know they are loved unconditionally and can come to you when they have questions or need help.