Why Forcing Gratitude in Kids Backfires—And What to Do Instead

Do you like being told what to do? If you’re like me, the only time you appreciate it is when you’re too tired to pick a place for takeout.

Kids don’t love being bossed around either. As adults, we guide—but trying to force feelings doesn’t work. That’s true of many things, but let’s focus on a behavior and a feeling that can suffer especially from coercion: gratitude.

Enforced thankfulness can feel empty to kids and adults alike. When it becomes transactional, gratitude feels like a chore, something to check off a list rather than a source of goodness. Authentic gratitude, on the other hand, significantly boosts well-being, resilience, and social connections.

So how do we move beyond our well-intentioned efforts and shift from obligation to inspiration? We start by focusing on what’s within our control, trying to meet our children at their stage of development. Researchers Jeffrey J. Froh and Giacomo Bono have identified key developmental stages of gratitude:

• Infancy to age six: This is a foundational period for developing empathy, perspective taking, and emotional awareness, which are critical precursors to deep and authentic gratitude. Around age five, children begin developing theory of mind—understanding others have unique thoughts and emotions—which helps them appreciate the intentional kindness behind others’ actions.
• Ages seven to 10: Children begin to reliably understand how to experience and express gratitude. They also develop a stronger ability to recognize and appreciate others’ kindness.
• Ages 11 and older: Grateful adolescents tend to experience greater happiness, more optimism, stronger social relationships, and even better academic outcomes.

Since gratitude evolves as children grow, we can set realistic expectations and provide support that aligns with their development. Younger kids are still building empathy and perspective-taking skills, while older children recognize and appreciate kindness in more complex ways. Here are three ways to encourage the growth of gratitude over the long run.

1. Make the case for why gratitude matters

As adults, we can set the stage for gratitude by modeling it and reinforcing its value. When kids see gratitude in our everyday interactions—through kind words, appreciation, and recognition of others—they naturally internalize it.

• Model. When we have a grateful thought, instead of keeping it to ourselves, we can say it out loud. This simple narration demonstrates gratitude in meaningful ways so kids can absorb and incorporate it.
• Express. Openly appreciating others fosters a sense of connection and belonging that children notice.
• Storytell. Share our real-life gratitude stories to help kids connect with its profound impact.
• Normalize. Don’t keep the power of gratitude a secret. We can be clear about the advantages, including the positive impact on our health, mental and physical.

By regularly modeling gratitude and sharing its benefits, we create a foundation where gratitude is valued, understood, and encouraged.

2. Create the conditions

Gratitude flourishes in compassionate environments where kids feel safe and valued; so the challenge is to design environments where gratitude can thrive. Offering flexible ways to experience and express gratitude makes it more accessible and meaningful.

• Invite. Create space without external pressure. For example, we could say something like, “If you’d like, you can take a moment to think about something that made you feel thankful today—big or small. You’re welcome to share, or just notice it for yourself.”
• Encourage. Using the Notice, Think, Feel, Do model provides a simple way to guide reflection:
  • Notice: What do I recognize in my life to be grateful for? Example: “I noticed that my friend shared their snack with me today.”
  • Think: Why do I believe I have received these things? Example: “My friend shared with me because they care about me and wanted me to enjoy a snack, too.”
  • Feel: How do I feel about the things I have been given? Example: “It made me feel loved and happy that I have such a nice friend.”
  • Do: How do I choose to express appreciation? Example: “I can say thank you to my friend, share something with them next time, or write them a kind note.”
• Provide. We can offer multiple ways for kids to express gratitude (writing, drawing, voice recordings, photos, etc.). There is no one-size-fits-all in gratitude!
• Acknowledge. Validate all emotions, recognizing that gratitude can coexist with challenges.

When gratitude is framed as an invitation rather than an expectation, children have the space to develop it in a way that feels authentic. And when we welcome various forms of expression, gratitude becomes something they embrace, not just something they perform.

3. Let them lead

What if kids stepped into roles as gratitude leaders, designing relevant practices that bring people together? When children have the freedom to take the lead, it becomes a lasting part of their identity.

• Respect. Trust kids to lead, make choices, and contribute in meaningful ways. Instead of assuming what’s best for them, we listen to their ideas, acknowledge their perspectives, and let their voices shape the process.
• Storytell. Encourage kids to share their own gratitude stories to deepen connection and engagement. In doing this, they become gratitude mentors for others.
• Empower. Make room for kid-led gratitude initiatives by giving them the tools and freedom to create gratitude experiences for themselves and for others. For example, at home, let kids design and lead a family gratitude jar—they decide how it works, decorate it, and choose when to share notes. In a learning community, educators can invite kids to create a gratitude wall where they leave kind notes or shoutouts for peers in a format they choose.

When kids take ownership of gratitude, it becomes a natural, purposeful part of their world, which improves their emotional intelligence.

So the next time we’re tempted to prompt with “Ahem, what do you say?”—let’s pause. Instead, let’s model, invite, and empower.

When gratitude becomes something children choose rather than something they’re told to do, it moves beyond a fleeting moment into a lasting disposition—one that strengthens relationships, improves well-being, and fosters a more compassionate world.