We’re pleased to present the latest installment of Dr. Rick Hanson’s Greater Good blog, featuring posts from his Just One Thing (JOT) newsletter, which offers simple practices designed to bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart.
In key relationships, we often keep complaints against others grumbling away in the backs of our minds, trying to prove a point like a prosecutor making a case.
Sure, developing your considered view about something is great. But tipping into making a case about it—even only inside your own mind—carries collateral damage for you and other people. Thus this Just One Thing practice: Drop the case.
Lately I’ve been thinking about a kind of “case” that’s been running in my mind about someone in my extended family. The case is a combination of feeling hurt and mistreated, critique of the other person, irritation with others who haven’t supported me, views about what should happen that hasn’t, and implicit taking-things-personally.
In other words, the usual mess.
It’s not that I have *not* been mistreated—actually, I have been—nor that my analysis of things is inaccurate (others agree that what I see does in fact exist).
The problem is that my case is saturated with negative emotions like anger, biased toward my own viewpoint, and full of me-me-me.
Every time I think of my case, I start getting worked up, adding to the bad effects of chronic stress. It creates awkwardness with others, since even though they support me, they’re naturally leery of getting sucked into my strong feelings or into my conflict with the other person. It makes me look bad—too cranked up about things in the past. And it primes me for overreactions when I see the person in question. I generally don’t act this stuff out, but it’s still a burden.
I think my own experience of case-making—and its costs—are true in general. In couples in trouble, one or both people usually have a detailed Bill of Particulars against the other person. At larger scales, different social or political groups have scathing indictments of the other side.
How about you? Think of someone you feel wronged by: Can you find case against that person in your mind? What does it feel like to go into that case? What does it cost you? And others?
The key—often not easy—is to be open to your feelings (e.g., hurt, anger), to see the truth of things, and to take appropriate action—while not getting caught up in your case about it all.
Bring to awareness a case about someone—probably related to a grievance, resentment, or conflict. It could be from your present or your past, resolved or still grinding. Explore this case, including: the version of events in it; other beliefs and opinions, emotions, body sensations, and wants surrounding it; notice how you see the other person, and yourself; notice what you want from others (sometimes their perceived failings are a related case). For a moment or two, in your mind or out loud, get into the case: Really make it! Then notice what that’s like, to get revved up into your case.
Mentally or on paper, list some of the costs to you and others of making this particular case. Next, list the payoffs to you; in other words, what do you get out of making this case? For example, making a case typically makes us feel in the right, is energizing, and helps cover over softer vulnerable emotions like hurt or disappointment. Then ask yourself: Are the payoffs worth the costs?
With this understanding, see if you can stay with the difficult feelings involved in the situation (the basis for the case) without slipping into a reproachful or righteous case about them. To do this, it could help to start by bringing to mind the felt sense of being cared about by others, and by opening yourself to self-compassion. And try to hold those difficult feelings in a big space of awareness.
Open to a wider, more impersonal, big picture view of the situation—so it’s less about you and more about lots of swirling causes coming together in unfortunate ways. See if any kind of deeper insight about the other person, yourself, or the general situation comes to you.
Watch how a case starts forming in your mind, trying to get its hooks into you. Then see if you can interrupt the process. Literally set down the case, like plopping down a heavy suitcase when you finally get home after a long trip. What a relief!
Enjoy the good feelings, the spaciousness of mind, the openness of heart, the inner freedom, and other rewards of dropping your case.