In this election year, it’s a tough time to be a bridge-builder. In schools, faith communities, neighborhoods, workplaces, social media, journalism, and politics, the incentives are driving us to hunker down with our own “team.”
There is far too little reward for people who cross lines of difference, listen with curiosity to those we disagree with, humanize the “other,” and humbly acknowledge our blind spots as we learn from people who see the world differently. In fact, stepping out of line, even the slightest hint of questing political orthodoxy or ideological certainty, can have severe social consequences. This pressure has contributed to social isolation, undermined critical inquiry, and added to the fraying of our country’s democratic fabric.
That is why we work to cultivate the will and practice the skills for bridging gaps and crossing lines of difference to solve pressing problems, on campuses, in workplaces, congregations, organizations and communities. At this moment, this is counter-cultural work.
As we have taken this work to more and more places and see more and more people lean into it and apply it in their lives, we have found that sustaining it is not easy. To pursue bridge-building and embody it with the depth required to make real change, against serious headwinds, bridge-builders need the will to cross lines of difference and the skill to do it well. They thrive when they embrace and embody a deeper set of habits.
At a time of increasingly toxic polarization, where demonization of the “other” has become standard practice, it will take this more profound work of building new habits to move our communities in a different direction.
1. Know yourself and your purpose
Bridge-building starts with recognizing that we each have a unique perspective shaped by our experiences. We can do our best bridge-building when we commit to exploring what ignites a fire in our belly.
Consider 16th-century Sufi poet Rumi’s words: “Everyone has been made for some particular work, And the desire for that work has been put in every heart…Let yourselves be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.”
When we connect to our deeper purpose, we can cultivate a strong back and soft front. Put differently, when we feel confident in what we deeply believe (strong back), there is no need to behave as if we are brittle; we can have a soft front. We can stand solidly in our beliefs and still be inviting.
Bridge-builders committed to being engaged with this deep awareness about themselves—their beliefs, faith, motivations, and unique purpose—are more likely to be prepared to cross lines of difference with a patient and persistent openness.
2. Believe in the power of listening
Learning to listen with humility and curiosity about the people we disagree with can change our lives.
That is a bold claim, but it’s true. As mere mortals, we can’t see the whole story, the full picture, all the solutions, or so many other important things. By genuinely hearing the perspective of others, we can fill out the blind spots in our own picture, narrative, or worldview. We don’t have to agree, but letting those deeply diverse perspectives work on us can open us up to deeper truths.
Over time, the experience of authentic listening works on each of us as well and makes other things possible. We also know the converse to be true. If we feel unheard or silenced, the likelihood is higher that we will act destructively, negatively or, at the very least, be unwilling to engage. Bridge-builders know listening is a superpower that, when intentionally practiced, can transform us, our relationships, and even the most deeply seated challenges our communities face.
3. Embrace complexity
Human beings have the powerful ability to recognize patterns. That trait is powerful. It allows us to do simple things, such as drink out of mugs daily, without needing to reassess their function. We don’t confuse mugs with our shoes. We know intuitively that shoes go on our feet and mugs meet our mouths. It also lets us identify and set out to solve global problems such as disease and despair.
While seeing and categorizing patterns helps us function smoothly, this is not necessarily as helpful when understanding an individual person. This sorting capacity may lead us to mistakenly believe we know how someone voted based on the color of their hat, someone’s gender based on their hair, or someone’s family history based on their religion.
But bridge-building starts with dropping those assumptions and being curious about the stories of the real people we are engaged with. People are complex, and if we forget this, we can begin to see others (and possibly ourselves) as monoliths who hold only one viewpoint, which is either correct or incorrect. The deeper truth is that people cannot be wholly defined by one position or belief.
4. Create a constructive and relational context
Even though conversations across differences can be one of the best ways to tackle challenges, bridge-builders rarely, if ever, square off in an issue debate to start. Importantly, when they seek to engage with a contentious issue, bridge-builders invest time upfront to create the context in which disagreements are constructive.
Put simply, the most effective bridge-builders believe in breaking bread together first. They start with learning more about one another’s values, worldviews, hopes, and dreams. In time, relationships can withstand more and more tension. So, we patiently build that trust through our genuine concern for others. We live in a fast-paced world, and instant reactions and responses are expected. Often, when someone says something that doesn’t land well with us, we feel compelled to reply at that moment.
Learning to separate the stimulus, what they said, from our response, how we react, can create a powerful pause. A quick reaction to someone we don’t know well is unlikely to have a constructive impact. Sometimes, the best we can do is refrain from unskillful action when triggered. And, because there is no statute of limitation on responding, we can catch our breath, grow the relationship, and, in time, get beyond the headlines to engage more deeply and have a lasting impact on the person when the time is right.
5. Use bridge-building to solve real-world problems
No one person or group of people has a monopoly on truth.
Bridge-builders disclose how they and others have come to believe what we believe. Truly transformative solutions can be found by unearthing experiences and insights and placing them in constructive conversation with beliefs different from our own. So, when bridge-builders encounter very different and challenging beliefs, they are oriented toward understanding how someone came to their views and why those beliefs are important to them.
This disposition also means we do not need to water down our ideas or strive for a “mushy middle” compromise. While attempting to bridge gaps doesn’t guarantee that we will find common ground, it does create the possibility where it may have previously seemed impossible. This becomes possible precisely because we are able to more clearly understand worldviews different from our own and the deeper motivations behind people’s stated positions.
Bridge-builders recognize that all parties involved need a path to move beyond how things have been done.
For example, throughout efforts to address challenges around criminal justice, two of the biggest stakeholders are often left out of the conversation: people who have lived and worked in prisons. For these people, bridge-building is not theoretical or rhetorical; it is a method of resolving actual deadly challenges. Seventy percent of people who have been incarcerated in the US experience recidivism within five years of their release, while the average life expectancy for people working in US prisons is only 59 years (approximately 15 years less than the average American). Effective bridge-builders know that profoundly understanding the varied experiences of people from many sides of the issue is only a first step; building common ground solutions gives us the greatest chance of transforming broken systems.
6. Cultivate a deep love
No matter why we build bridges, we can fundamentally disagree with someone and still respect and even love them. This work will not fully live up to its promise if it becomes reduced to an “improved technique” or “better messaging.”
It is certainly true that just practicing the techniques can open-up new possibilities and, in many cases, serve as a gateway to deeper, inward exploration and human connection.
However, the deeper foundation that must animate this work if it is to reach its transformative potential is a profound faith in people. Bridge-builders use listening to open their hearts and activate an abiding belief in every person’s dignity and awesome potential. May we always be in service to spark a deep love for other human beings, not just despite our disagreements but maybe even because of our disagreements.
7. Commit to lifelong practice
If bridge-building is an art that happens through constrictive, sometimes tense, engagement and interaction with others, there remains a question: How do I get good at it?
The truth is, as you develop the will, you can apply the skills you can learn in any basic training about listening, storytelling and feedback and then try it at work, dinner, or with a friend. By practicing this approach you can build new habits. You don’t have to be perfect at it or expect to succeed every time. Still, the truth is that just wanting to show up and be constructive in a tense situation where you are crossing significant lines of difference is not easy.
In addition to the skills if you can cultivate your capacity outside these difficult conversations that can help, as well. We think of that in three dimensions: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Consider how you invest your time outside of your bridging work so that your body, heart, and spirit are well cared for and in the optimum place to undertake the challenging work of bridging. Like a high-performance athlete or team leader, you want to be at the top of your game.
8. Be ready for discomfort
In your busy life you might have limited time to learn the skills, build the habits and cultivate these deeper capacities. That is OK. Most importantly, this work requires a posture humble enough to recognize that bridge-building is a practice, not a destination. For bridgers that means discomfort as we stretch to engage those we disagree with.
While we must put into practice the bite-sized training, we aren’t expecting to get it right every time and have it all fall into place. We are almost always left with more questions for continuous self-reflection: Should I have pushed harder? Should I have opened up more? Did I hold back? Did I go too easy on the things I deeply believe in?
The work of bridge-building means considering those questions again and again. When we choose to engage the “other” to solve pressing problems, invest in relationships that cross lines of difference and sit in the tension of difficult conversations that means sitting with discomfort. Coming to see discomfort as a sign that we are growing and stretching rather than dreading that feeling and hoping it will go away and we will find simple comfort again is part of the bridge builder’s journey.
Bridge-builders want to solve challenges facing our communities and they want to weave the social fabric of our country together. And they believe that having the hard conversation ultimately saves time, builds relationships, and ultimately takes less of an emotional toll than keeping it bottled in, hoping to avoid the conversations or simply shouting down the opposition.
That’s work we can each commit to and practice every day. Sometimes it works, sometimes the challenge remains. But, each time, we learn about ourselves and about each other. Together we can build a culture where the heroes are the bridge-builders.
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