VIDEOSBridging Differences for Teens and Parents

Scroll down for a transcription of this video. 

One of the most meaningful expressions of compassion we can show another person is to listen deeply to them–and that’s just as true for parents and teens. As our teens move toward becoming more independent from us, sometimes they tend to be less inclined to share personal hardships. When they do share, it can be a valuable opportunity to show them our love and desire to understand them.

When your teens make a bid to talk to you about their challenges, respond by letting them know you’re available for them. Show that you’re really listening—with warmth and non-judgment.

In this video, Lee and his teen, Noah, take a first step practicing five ways to listen to truly hear.

Learn more about this "Listening to Your Teen with Compassion" practice and others with step-by-step guidance at our library of research-based practices to support teens to learn how to bridge differences."

This is the second video in our "Parenting to Nurture Skills to Bridge Differences" series.

Facilitator | Dhaarmika Coelho, Founder of Camp Kindness Counts
Production Company | Anaconda Street Productions
Partners on the Bridging Differences Parenting Practices | Generation Citizen and Making Caring Common

Transcription

LEE: My name is Lee, and my son is Noah. He's 15 years old. He's a great kid. It's been amazing to see him progress from an infant to where he is today.

NOAH: My name is Noah. I'm in ninth grade. I like to hang out with my friends, go biking. I'd say I'm a pretty funny guy.

LEE: He was enrolled in a Spanish immersion school from an early age, and so he had the benefit of learning two languages.

LEE: Having that experience at an early age of learning two languages and learning two different cultures has really provided a different lens into the world. Me and my dad, we talk a lot. We don't really talk about a lot of deep things or emotional things, just like things that are going on in our lives. Like, usually make small talk. I mean, I know I can be completely open with him, but there's just certain things, I don't really feel like talking about.

NOAH: When I was younger, I wish my mom would have come into conversations with less judgment. We tend to be our parents children. And so I have within me, certainly a tendency to come in off the cuff judgmental about things as well.

DHAARMIKA: Noah and Lee both very much want to have a stronger relationship with each other. They really love each other and care about each other.

LEE: I think as a older adult, just having a longer lived experience, that's really given me a different perspective on what I would now see as the relative importance of any particular moment in my life. Sometimes, that can be a point of frustration when I'm talking with Noah, because of-- and the grand scheme of things, is really not a big deal, even though I know that Noah, for you in the moment, because of your shorter realm of experience, it's like it's a huge deal.

NOAH: Sometimes, if he reacts that way, I'll stop talking and I'll just feel like he's not really listening and he doesn't want to actually talk about it.

LEE: There are points in time when that longer experience does enable me to try and put myself in your shoes and see things from your perspective and realize that by a similar token, you're living your own life in the moment and it's got its own level of significance.

DHAARMIKA: Well, Lee, now I'd like to invite you to do a practice with us-- this practice for centers around listening to our teen with compassion.

You'll see that Lee starts by practicing listening with compassion, with an ordinary, everyday experience that Noah shares. It's important to start with small steps before working your way up to listening to your teen's increasingly intense and difficult experiences.

NOAH: A little topic I had in mind is the Jenga reminded me of Woodstock, where we just made the picture frames. And now we're making like the caribou or the reindeer, where it's like seven pieces. It's a tail, two legs. And then there's also the antlers and the neck. And then you connect the antlers and the neck with a little notch in the wood. And we have to glue it together. And it's not going super well, because every time I keep trying to cut it out, it keeps not fitting into the spot where it's supposed to.

LEE: That sounds like it could be frustrating for you.

NOAH: Mm-hmm.

DHAARMIKA: Lee and his team, Noah, take a first step practicing five ways to listen with compassion. One-- affirm perspectives. Two-- be curious. Three-- express empathy. four-- use engaging body language. And five-- listen for understanding.

LEE: It also sounds like you're really interested. Is it the tactile experience that you like?

NOAH: Just working with my hands.

LEE: That's one of those things that for me, I've always found super rewarding. And that's why you always see me out there messing around in the garden or working on projects. Doing something with my hands feels really good and gives me a different sense of peace and accomplishment. Do you feel like you are feeling like you've accomplished something once you've completed one of these pieces too? Does that feel good?

NOAH: Yeah, I feel like I'm learning how to use the tools better. And yeah, overall, just getting better at working with wood.

LEE: Yeah, that's awesome.

DHAARMIKA: Teens can learn from day-to-day conversations with parents just how important listening can be to connect with someone, including someone who is different.

The strengths that you have right now and what you've done already to build a stronger relationship with Noah-- how can you use some of those same strengths and skills to build relationships and gain different perspectives from people in the community that may live a different life from yourself?

LEE: The worldview experiences that we've been able to share have also given me a better ability to connect with folks that are coming from different cultures and different backgrounds.

DHAARMIKA: Before the practice, they knew that there was some sort of barrier there during the practice. You could see that barrier kind of coming down.

LEE: We definitely had, a-- I think-- continuous flowing conversation in a way that we might typically not have, right?

NOAH: Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I feel like we could talk more, like we just did. That's definitely something we could work on more. I feel like I learned that I can pay more attention and definitely just listen more than respond. We've learned how to communicate better with each other and just connect better.

DHAARMIKA: Thank you for being vulnerable and open and having fun.