Lately, I’ve been avoiding phone calls and texting people more than I used to. I might prefer to pick up a phone, but then I think calling someone will interrupt their day and be an unwelcome intrusion. So, I figure it’s better to text.
But, as one study found, we often overestimate how awkward a phone call will be and underestimate how much closer we’ll feel to someone if we call them versus text them—even if we prefer texting.
As a coauthor of this study said, “When it comes to maintaining and building the social relationships that are so integral to well-being, folks would be wise to connect with others using their voices—by talking rather than typing.”
New research corroborates this recommendation. Though texting has become the norm for many of us, it may not give us the same interpersonal benefits or alleviate loneliness as well as talking on the phone does. Calling often feels more personal than texting, allowing us to connect with people in a more intimate way.
As neuroscientist Daniel Levitin says, “I actually think the old-fashioned telephone call is really nice and a different kind of experience” when you’re feeling lonely.
The many benefits of calling
According to an overview of the research on calling versus texting, children and older people tend to prefer calling to texting, while teens and young adults prefer to text. But even for those who prefer texting, calling may be a better way to strengthen our social bonds.
One reason is that our voices communicate our emotions to other people in a way texting can’t—which is an important part of intimacy. Hearing the voice of someone you know can reduce stress and stimulate the release of oxytocin—the “tend and befriend” hormone that increases warmth and trust between people. Using emojis in texts seems to be a poor substitute for expressing emotion verbally, as they can be confusing and have culturally specific meanings that don’t translate well.
Calling may also beat out texting when it comes to avoiding misunderstandings. In one study, about 300 friends and romantic partners (ages 16 to 57) were asked to find texts they’d received that had caused miscommunication and describe why they’d had issues. They reported problems around understanding the feelings expressed behind the texts, including the lack of verbal cues that might help them understand the sender’s emotional state (e.g., tone of voice) and not being able to tell if they had someone’s full attention (i.e., wondering if their texting partner could be multitasking).
Another issue raised was the brevity of texts, which can lack contextual information that aids in understanding. As an example, here is a texting conversation reported in the paper that left the person confused.
“J: What happened?
D: What do you mean?
J: Idk what you are talking about”“Romantic Partner: I’m ordering pizza. They have a deal.
Me: Who’s they?
Romantic Partner: Papa John’s.
Me: Watching a movie too?
Romantic Partner: Wrong person? Bye”
It’s easy to see how having exchanges like this could raise questions or leave someone scratching their head—and, potentially, cold.
The use of acronyms, word abbreviations, and poor (or no) punctuation also made some texts hard to interpret, which could easily cause problems in a relationship. As another study found: Using shorthand in a text is more likely to make a recipient think you’re being insincere and want to respond to you less—not good for maintaining connection.
Ambiguous texts, where the sender’s intent isn’t clear, may be interpreted in a more negative way, especially in more socially anxious people. Similarly, sending a text to someone and not getting a prompt response could create uncertainty, as the reason for the delay is unclear—it could signal anger, confusion, or rejection; or it could simply mean they have not seen your text yet or need more time to respond. The immediacy of a phone conversation is much less likely to cause such problems, as you can interpret someone’s feelings from their vocal tone, clear up ambiguities, and get an immediate response.
Still, many of us prefer texting because we can feel more in control of the conversation and can take time to think about what we want to say, especially when it comes to tricky subjects. As researcher Sherry Turkle put it, “[M]any people want to dial down fighting or dealing with difficult emotional issues with a partner or with their children by doing it online.” This could be a mistake with unintended consequences.
For example, in one study, researchers found that when romantic partners used texts to communicate about serious issues, broach difficult topics, or apologize, their future in-person interactions became more fraught and conflictual. Only expressing affection via texts had a positive effect on future interactions. Though this study didn’t compare calling to texting directly, it’s likely calling would result in more gratifying conversations, according to past research.
Calling can also be especially helpful for the elderly people in your life. One study found that receiving regular phone calls was effective in decreasing elders’ loneliness, even after considering other factors, like their cognitive function, pain, age, and gender. Another study that compared how receiving in-person visits, calling, and texting affected the well-being of the elderly had more mixed results; but phone calls did still have some key benefits over texting. This could mean that parents or grandparents would benefit more from a phone call than a text.
Even when we interact with strangers, hearing that person’s voice creates a more positive connection. For example, one study found that strangers who conversed using the “Fast Friends exercise,” which involves taking turns asking 36 questions of an increasingly personal nature, felt closer at the end of the exercise if they did it over the phone rather than via text. Another study found that people believed that a stranger with different political beliefs had greater mental capacity if they heard their voice explaining their views on a contentious issue rather than reading the same argument in print. It humanizes the “other” when we hear their voice.
Texting still has its plusses
None of this research is meant to imply that texting is always a poor choice for communicating. Reaching out to someone via text makes sense in many cases, such as when you’re in different time zones and can’t find a mutually convenient time to talk—especially if the alternative is not communicating at all. Or if you have problems speaking or any kind of hearing loss, texting could be an important lifeline for staying connected.
Of course, texting really shines when it comes to conveying perfunctory information to someone quickly—like when confirming an upcoming meeting with your boss or letting someone know you’ll be late to dinner.
Texting may also be preferable depending on how anxious you are. At least one study found that while feeling lonely makes a phone call more rewarding for you, texting may be easier and more rewarding if you have high social anxiety. Making a call can feel more intimate or awkward than texting for a socially anxious person, and reaching out via text might be a less risky first step toward further connection with someone.
And then there are some of us who are just not used to talking on the phone, particularly young people who’ve grown up in a texting culture. Texting is ubiquitous for teens—and may serve an important social function. Teenagers may not know phone etiquette or have any idea what they’re missing out on by texting instead of calling; so, texting may work just fine for them. Still, there are indications that they, too, recognize that calling may be better with certain people or in certain circumstances and that they recognize they are missing out on closeness as a result of texting.
At least some parents are questioning the value of texting for their younger children and encouraging them to call rather than text. By installing old-fashioned landlines at home and coordinating with other local parents to do the same, they’ve seen their kids become better listeners and communicators—while also avoiding the potential pitfalls of social media exposure that a cell phone can bring.
So, why not consider picking up a phone and making a call a little more often? You might surprise yourself by how much better it feels to talk than to text. And your relationships might become even closer and more intimate, too.
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