This four-part article series provides parents and caregivers research-backed insights from renowned experts to everyday questions about raising kids across the lifespan. From the early days of caring for a baby to the later years of navigating relationships with adult children, these insights will nurture strong parent-child bonds, cultivate greater understanding, and foster a stronger sense of purpose as a parent. This is the second installment; the first covers the baby and toddler years.
If only we can bottle up our children’s school-aged years and savor them forever! As our kids grow into their own personalities, they’re (often) a delight to behold, and we, as parents, can become aware of the ever-present potential to strengthen our connection with them, build resilience, and help them experience awe.
Unlike toddlers, school-age kids have developed some of the skills needed to manage their feelings and work out conflicts on their own. And unlike teens, they’re also more apt to welcome adult intervention.
This makes for “a unique window of opportunity” for parents to teach children how to navigate sticky situations, says Diana Divecha, assistant clinical professor at the Child Study Center at Yale University—balancing their own needs while also maintaining relationships.
This is when children really do want to figure out what ideals like fairness, justice, and “good” behavior actually mean. To help parents help their kids navigate this stage, we’ve provided scientifically backed advice to seven common bumps on the road—based on common questions we get our readers!
Click to jump to a topic:
Curbing screen time
Bullying prevention
Cultivating patience for special needs
Talking about weight and health
Homework resistance
Sibling fights
Dealing with a child’s anger
Curbing screen time
Q: All my eight year old wants to do is play video games. I’m trying to curb screen time by setting limits, but it’s a struggle. What can I do better?
A: While the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t prescribe a specific limit, they do suggest that school-aged kids balance time on their devices with other in-person activities.
The current recommendations are open-ended perhaps because (as any parent knows) the emphasis on reducing screen time alone is too simplistic. As research suggests, there’s a difference between scrolling through social media and connecting with far-flung real-life friends and family; between watching an educational video that supplements a class lecture and playing video games.
“Although well intentioned, rigid screen-time limits often feel unrealistic for parents, and attempts to restrict children’s screen use are frequently accompanied by conflict and guilt,” says Marina Torjinski, a research fellow at the Australian Research Council Centre of Excellence for the Digital Child at the University of Wollongong, who has authored papers on the topic. Worse, she says, negative messaging rarely results in long-term changes in behavior, especially once a child grows up and harnesses more independence.
With that in mind, Torjinski looked to nature as a strategy to help kids explore the world beyond screens. In a scoping review, she found that spending time with kids in nature, compared to other activities (such as playing sports or board games) taps into the well-being of both parent and child—so that it doesn’t simply displace the time spent on screens but motivates your child, indirectly, to pursue other activities. “Approach” goals like this one—where you set out to pursue something as opposed to avoiding a negative activity—are easier to stick to than “avoidance” goals, and help foster good feelings.
What’s more, unpublished preliminary findings (on 334 parents of children ages five through eight) also suggest that even when actual screen time doesn’t decrease, problematic screen-related behaviors (such as irritability or family arguments) do. Explains Torjinski, “For children, nature promotes imaginative play and prosocial behavior; for parents, it can increase parenting confidence and reduce guilt.”
And you don’t have to live in the country to make this happen; noticing nature together on your walk to school with your child counts, too. The trick is to make it something you and your child both enjoy and can take part in together: Have a picnic in the park. Enjoy a sunset together. Build a snowman. “The pathway to positive behavior change is relational and emotional rather than prescriptive,” says Torjinski. “Parents can help promote children’s nature-based interests by finding activities that represent a point of social connection, as well as role modeling care for the natural world.”
“For children, nature promotes imaginative play and prosocial behavior; for parents, it can increase parenting confidence and reduce guilt”
Of course, parents shouldn’t feel alone in finding a solution. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics just released a policy statement in February acknowledging that digital media “can no longer be thought of as ‘screen time’ for families to manage.” Designed intentionally by industries to be immersive and commercialized, things like video games and social media lie “largely outside the control of individual families”; in other words, helping kids live life beyond screens is something our schools, community, and society as a whole should take part in, too.
Industries should refocus their engagement-based designs on children’s well-being. Schools and neighborhoods should create programs to help children and families to balance digital and non-digital time. Communities should create safe, accessible third spaces for children to play and learn. By communicating with teachers and local leaders about their needs, families are more likely to attain and enjoy an environment that motivates kids to appreciate a world beyond screens.
Bullying prevention
Q: My 12-year-old told me that some kids at school are repeatedly being mean to a particular child at recess. My son isn’t taking part in the nastiness, but he isn’t stopping it either. How can I encourage my child to be a positive agent of change?
A: According to Signe Whitson, author of 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for Parents & Schools, other kids are around nine out of 10 times when bullying happens, but they help the victims only 20% of the time. When Whitson talked to the kids themselves, she discovered that kids often want to help—but don’t know what to say.
She also found that kids often don’t speak up because they assume someone else will. So it’s important to let them know that when they witness bullying, it’s their responsibility to say something. What’s more, when someone steps in, the bullying behavior typically stops within 10 seconds, and kids should know that.
“When kids have confidence that their actions will truly make a difference, they are more likely to step up,” says Whitson, who is also the director of a Massachusetts K-through-8 public school.
In your situation, where your son is a bystander, ask him how he thinks the child who is the target feels, says Diana Divecha. “Try to ascertain if it’s just mean behavior or bullying.”
Bullying is repeated aggression in the context of a power difference—for instance, a difference in size, age, or social currency. “Kids can try to resolve conflicts with your assistance in the context of fairly equal power dynamics,” she says. “But kids need more adult intervention in bullying cases because of the unequal power dynamic.”
If the situation turns out to be mean behavior or bullying that’s very low-level, it may be safe to problem-solve together. A child with higher social status might feel confident enough to call out the kids doing the bullying. Others might want to make friends with the victim and make him feel better, or talk to a teacher (in which case you might encourage him to work on a script, and you can provide suggestions as needed). With older kids, including your 12-year-old, try to “respect their problem-solving efforts, nurture that, and bring that out,” says Divecha. (But, of course, if your child is younger, provide more guidance, support, and protection, she adds.)
Beyond the situation at hand, parents can prevent bullying by encouraging conversation and pointing out behavior that is not OK. Guidance from adults is crucial. “Kids need practice discerning what to say and when to say it and they only get this from their caring adults around them,” says Divecha. She notes that school programs, such as RULER, developed at Yale, are also helpful for creating “a climate and culture where it is normal and expected that people are kind and we resolve conflicts constructively.”
Cultivating patience for special needs
Q: I am a parent of a 10 year old with special needs. It can be challenging, with all the doctor’s appointments and hands-on care. Sometimes, I lose my patience and I fear that my child might feel as if he’s a burden to me. How can I assure him that this isn’t the case, and that I love him unconditionally?
A: Parenting is hard, and when it entails more than the usual doctor’s visits and school activities because of a child’s special needs, it can feel understandably overwhelming. At the same time, children, especially those who require additional medically complex care, are particularly sensitive to a parent’s nonverbal cues. They “often assume that they are the cause of what their parent or caregiver is expressing,” explains Maurice Elias, professor of psychology at Rutgers University.
To prevent such misunderstandings, grant yourself a few moments to take a few deep breaths and recharge when you’re feeling stressed. With 10 year olds or older, you can also give them a heads-up. Tell them that if you’re short with them, it’s not their fault—you’ve just had a tough day. Agree on a sign (such as raising hands) when things get heated and a reset is needed.
Related, kids—and again, especially those with special needs—are sensitive to whether you’re paying attention to them or not. So don’t put your phone ahead of your child. If you’re constantly distracted by whoever or whatever is on screen, it’s possible that “kids will wonder where they stand relative to the phone,” says Elias.
Finally, make room at least once a week for “family fun” time. “This should happen even when the child misbehaves. It can sustain them through difficult times in the preceding week,” says Elias. And “it’s a reaffirmation of family as a priority and is another important family and emotional reset.”
Talking about weight and health
Q: My seven-year-old daughter is slightly overweight according to her pediatrician’s growth tracking at her annual well-child visit, and she feels bad about it. I am trying to tell her that she is totally fine the way she is, but she doesn’t believe me. What else can I do?
A: You’re on the right track: It’s important to show your child that you support them, especially if they are hearing negative comments about different body sizes from their peers.
“The solution to being teased is not to lose weight but to know that being teased for your weight is not acceptable,” says Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, a professor in the epidemiology and community health division at the University of Minnesota, and the principal investigator at Project EAT. “Let your child know they look beautiful just as they are, and that you’re sorry that someone made them feel bad, and that you’d like to brainstorm about how to approach the situation.” (Also see the second question above, about bullying.)
In the process, you can reinforce the point that people come in different shapes and sizes, she says. “But also, listen, and try to figure out what’s going on. Sometimes ‘I feel fat’ means something else, such as ‘I think my friends don’t like me,’ or ‘Someone teased me at school today.’”
Parents might think that they should or can “fix” a weight issue by encouraging a child to diet, but research shows that it clearly does not help. In fact, children may end up gaining weight, having an unhealthy preoccupation with weight, or even having an eating disorder.
Instead, what helps is to talk less about weight and do more about what is under our control, says Neumark-Sztainer. As a parent, model the healthy behavior you’d like to see in your child, she advises. Create an environment that makes choosing healthy food easy, and focus more on general health than weight.
As a family, try to create pleasant feelings when gathering for food (such as family dinner, where you’re not talking about weight) and find physical activities that you can do together because they’re fun, not because they burn calories.
Every stage of life presents unique challenges and opportunities for families to help and guide their child, says Neumark-Sztainer. “Here, parents have the opportunity to limit exposure to unhealthy influences”—and to build a strong foundation for healthy attitudes toward food, exercise, and weight.
Homework resistance
Q: I can’t get my 10 year old to take homework seriously. But my nagging and disciplining are negatively impacting our relationship. What should I do?
A: Well-meaning parents often try to help their kids with schoolwork. And when that’s met with conflict, they feel they have to manage the situation with punishment. Unfortunately, that can have negative repercussions, says Harriet Tenenbaum, professor of Developmental and Social Psychology at the University of Surrey.
Instead of control, aim for connection. One of Tenenbaum’s papers, currently under review, suggests that the more children perceive their parents as supportive about schoolwork, the more effort kids tend to put into their work.
That means starting with the basics. Work with your child to create a comfortable space at home that your child would like to study in. Ask him what would he like you to do that would be helpful (for instance, “Would it be helpful to you if I checked your homework?”), and try to delineate what those boundaries are. Perceptions and needs differ, depending on the child. Some kids want parents’ help, others don’t, explains Tenenbaum.
In some instances, articulating your confidence in your child’s ability to do well in the homework (for example: “I believe in you; if you try, you can get it done”) can help. An earlier study performed in China and England by her team suggests that the more children perceive that their parents think they’d do well in the homework—and the more they also perceive that the teacher provides feedback on that homework in class—the more they are motivated to do their homework.
Sometimes, however, an aversion to homework may be a sign of a mood disorder or another condition. To know when to get professional help, pay attention to patterns, says Valentina Tobia, associate professor of psychology at San Raffaele University, in Milan.
For instance, if resistance decreases when the learning format changes (such as using videos instead of textbooks), “this may suggest that the difficulty lies in a specific skill rather than in motivation,” she says. Or if behavioral problems emerge mainly during structured academic tasks, but not in less structured situations, that may be another clue that an underlying cause may be at play.
It also helps to consider the child’s history. If avoiding schoolwork follows repeated experiences of failure, the failures themselves may be linked to a learning disability, in which case “what appears to be ‘laziness’ is sometimes a protective response to frustration,” Tobia explains. When the behavior seems to go beyond the occasional avoidance of homework, talk to your child’s doctor about seeking additional testing and professional help.
Sibling fights
Q: I have daughters, ages six and eight, and they are always fighting. How can I get them to stop?
A: At this age, children are still learning how to navigate conflict. Learning to do that within their family as they grow up is a great opportunity. “It’s a gift to all the relationships in their lives,” says Diana Divecha.
The middle childhood years are a unique opportunity to foster positive sibling relationships. That’s because “siblings are still spending a considerable amount of time together in shared activities,” says Holly Recchia, professor of education at Concordia University. At the same time, “their interactions are becoming more egalitarian, and they are developing greater socio-emotional capacities like perspective-taking and conflict resolution abilities.”
It’s helpful to put fighting into context and know that siblings often show more positive than negative behavior—demonstrating warmth, care, and concern for each other. And these behaviors are relatively independent in a sibling relationship, says Recchia: Siblings who fight a lot might also show a lot of support for each other. So, create opportunities for these positive exchanges to occur, like pretend play. We tend to notice fighting because that often occurs loudly. But look and listen for the positive behaviors, too, and praise them when they happen.
When you notice your children fighting, start by “staying calm and neutral,” says Divecha. Then ask what happened, what would they like to happen, and what ideas might help work this out. Give each child a chance to speak. “Let the child generate the options, so you’re more of a mediator or coach, as opposed to a referee or judge,” says Divecha.
Of course, don’t show any favoritism toward a child during this process, and in general. “One child consistently getting the short end of the stick is a consistent predictor of sibling relationship issues,” says Recchia.
“Every person has a voice to say how they feel and what they want, in a calm, fun space that reinforces democracy in a family”
It also helps for parents to model healthy conflict resolution behavior. In fact, there is research showing that kids benefit when they see how parents fight constructively. This entails such behaviors as keeping calm, listening to the other person’s point of view, and sharing yours in a respectful way, says Divecha. “Problem-solve together,” she says. “Repair by expressing remorse, acknowledging the other person’s feelings without blame-shifting or excuses. And commit to change to prevent recurrences.”
Family meetings can also be helpful. Divecha suggests building a Family Charter, an agreement that all family members create and uphold, so that everyone is able to feel the way they want to feel at home, such as calm, happy, or valued. How something is discussed is more important than what is discussed—whether it’s where to go on vacation or whether to get a dog, or exploring a question like “What kind of magical animal would you like to be.”
“Every person has a voice to say how they feel and what they want, in a calm, fun space that reinforces democracy in a family,” says Divecha.
Sometimes it’s important to consider professional help. This is particularly true if one child is being bullied by the other or you notice a behavior change—for instance, a child starts to regress, act out, withdraw, or do poorly in school. Seeking therapy can help ease the tension at home and help establish better sibling relationships.
Dealing with a child’s anger
Q: My nine-year-old son gets angry very easily when things don’t go his way. I feel like we’re constantly walking on eggshells. What can we do to help him regulate his emotions?
A: Children come with their unique temperaments, and some are biologically wired to react more intensely. But these inherent tendencies also get shaped and altered through their experiences and key relationships.
In infancy, it’s the close family members, the people he spends time with at home, who have the most influence. Once kids attend school, teachers and peers play a big role, too, says Liliana Lengua, professor of psychology and director of the Center for Child & Family Well-Being at the University of Washington. Some children tend to be more anxious when confronted with novel or unexpected situations; others get easily frustrated or angry.
Consistency helps. Informing teachers and caregivers about tendencies toward strong emotional reactions allows them to provide the support your son needs, so that this care holds steady across the home and school settings. If strong emotions lead to strong, possibly dangerous, behaviors, then consistent consequences across settings is also important. So is providing support tools, such as teaching your child to stop and think before reacting, take deep breaths, or stepping away to gather oneself.
Just as crucial is setting aside time every day to do something the child enjoys doing, even if it’s only five to 10 minutes. Let your son take the lead. When children know they can rely on that time every day, a lot of behaviors that may be done to win attention may be reduced, says Lengua.
Finally, remember to communicate acceptance, warmth, and affection on a consistent basis. Be present whenever talking with your child (no sneaking glances at the phone or laptop). Praise and reinforce what is done well: “I really like your idea,” or “This is fun; I really enjoyed spending time with you.”
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