This four-part article series provides parents and caregivers research-backed insights from renowned experts to everyday questions about raising kids across the lifespan. From the early days of caring for a baby to the later years of navigating relationships with adult children, these insights will nurture strong parent-child bonds, cultivate greater understanding, and foster a stronger sense of purpose as a parent.
Few experiences are as emotionally and physically challenging as caring for babies and toddlers. Sometimes it feels as if every decision you make will impact their happiness and well-being for the rest of their lives.
To help put things in perspective, we spoke with experts for insights into a few common issues parents with young kids wonder about. It turns out that black-and-white answers rarely exist, and there are often many ways to parent. If you’re feeling doubt, confusion, or worry as the parent of a baby or toddler, we hope these insights provide you with a sense of reassurance and some ideas for how to move forward. And, as always, talk to your pediatrician if you need additional advice.
Bridging differences as co-parents
Q: My partner and I have been incredibly compatible since the day we met, but when it comes to taking care of our new baby, we can’t seem to agree on anything. I typically let my partner have her way, but I’m beginning to feel resentful. What is the best way to handle our disagreements?
A: It’s natural to assume you’ll feel as connected with your partner after having a child as you felt before having one. But transitioning from a childless couple to parents isn’t easy. “It’s quite typical that everything doesn’t all fall into place just like you thought it would,” says Carolyn Pape Cowan, who has been running couple-support groups for first-time parents since the ’70s, along with her partner Philip Cowan. “Your feelings might surprise you, and it can be quite intense.”
After all, the issue isn’t really about parenting, it’s about the relationship between the two of you. “The couple relationship is the foundation of the family, and parenting follows from that,” says Philip Cowan, professor of psychology emeritus at UC Berkeley. Handling differences without escalated conflict is important for a child’s well-being. “Children can become frightened,” explains Carolyn Cowan, adjunct professor of psychology, also at UC Berkeley. And older kids can even sense it when parents give each other the cold shoulder; they call that “fighting,” too.
With that in mind, it’s important for couples to have a conversation before the baby arrives about their expectations as parents. They should discuss their hopes and fears without judgment, and try to understand where each other is coming from, says Philip Cowan—“not only the vision of who’s going to do what, but also what from the families they grew up in do they want to preserve, and what they want to be different?”
You might not make any decisions right away, but at least you become aware of the issues and know to work on them as a couple going forward, as opposed to being surprised by them. The conversation can continue (or start, if it wasn’t broached earlier) after the baby arrives. For example, talk about how you’d like to handle calming the baby at night when she cries (and even whether the baby needs calming at all). Discuss the possibility of alternating days, or dividing the night into two shifts (say, one of you takes the midnight-to-3 a.m. shift, and the other the 3 a.m.-to-6 a.m. shift). Then after the baby arrives, revisit the topic and assess what’s working and what isn’t, and revise the plan as needed.
“The couple relationship is the foundation of the family, and parenting follows from that”
Of course, in the heat of the moment (say, when your baby is crying at 3 a.m., and you can’t agree on what to do), it’s best to have a backup plan. The Cowans suggest that you and your partner agree to disagree for the moment, and let one parent make the decision without it becoming policy (decide on who that should be beforehand). Then go back to the issue at a later time: Evaluate whether your last strategy worked or whether modifications are needed; then decide together on what you’ll try next time the baby cries.
Besides talking to each other, it’s also helpful to talk to other new parents, or parents who’ve gone through the experience, says Carolyn Cowan. In doing this, couples get a sense of how others are handling the situation, and, more importantly, know that they’re not alone.
When Dad feels like a stranger
Q: I’m the dad of a one year old, but it seems I never see him. I leave for work early in the morning, and by the time I come back he’s already sleeping. And when I do take care of him, he clearly prefers his mom. I try to tell myself that things will change; but should I be doing more?
A: Natasha Cabrera, professor of human development at the University of Maryland, College Park, says she hears this a lot from dads. Dads today often want to be there for their child, but they also feel the pressure of providing for their family. “It’s a source of conflict and stress,” says Cabrera. Dads often return to work after childbirth earlier than moms, while the mom is feeding the baby, spending more time with him, and knowing what soothes him.
But Cabrera has also found that parents come up with pretty creative ways to make it work. “Each family has their own rhythm of doing things,” she says. One family, for instance, put their baby to bed in day clothes, so that the dad could have some extra time with them in the morning. Some households reserve weekend mornings for Dad time (and an opportunity to sleep in for Mom).
As for the baby seeming to prefer mom, understand that it’s not a personal rejection. Kids may be drawn to different parents at different stages in their lives. Often Dad’s turn comes when the child gets older, as they explore activities that may take place over the weekend.
“[Dads] are just as critical as moms to the child—we just haven’t said that out loud about dads enough”
Moms, by the way, can reassure dads in the meantime by truly letting dads take the lead when they’re at home—even if it isn’t exactly how mom would do it. And if things feel stressful without the mom, couples can problem-solve together beforehand (for instance, both parents can decide what goes into the diaper bag before Dad leaves for the park; or pre-make dinner for an easier feeding time). “Dads should know that they are important to their kids turning out as kind, loving adults. They are just as critical as moms to the child—we just haven’t said that out loud about dads enough,” says Cabrera.
Helping kids sleep on their own without making them feel rejected
Q: My partner and I have decided not to co-sleep with our child, but it hasn’t been easy in practice—our three year old won’t let us leave his room, and we inevitably fall asleep in his bed. Otherwise, he ends up in our bed. Should I be more strict about this? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
A: Some researchers have actually found benefits in cosleeping, so it’s not terrible at all if you end up falling asleep with him. But if your goal is to sleep separately, then it’s a good opportunity to teach your child how to work through hard situations independently—an important skill as he grows older, says Maurice Elias, professor of psychology at Rutgers University. What’s more, while older kids may feel rejected when you send them back to bed, toddlers aren’t going to take it personally.
To set your child up for success, get to the root of the problem: What’s keeping him from staying in bed? Let him know you care by listening intently, and then coming up with solutions. If the reason is that he’s not tired, suggest games he can play quietly while in bed, such as thinking about all the things in his room that are blue, then red, and so on. If he’s scared, let him know you’ll keep him safe. You might have him watch you make a thorough sweep of the room (inside each drawer, in the back of the closet) for monsters. You might designate a favorite stuffed toy to “stand watch” while he’s sleeping. Night lights can also help, if he’s scared of the dark.
You should also be clear about the ground rules. For instance: Tell your child how long you’ll stay in his room for tuck-in, and that if he needs you afterward to call for you, but to not leave the room.
Of course, “kids will invariably test your limits,” says Elias. If your child comes to your room, walk him back and gently remind him of the rules. Once he learns to call for you, listen to his concerns and address them. If you’re consistent, and clear, he should be able to happily fall asleep in his own bed in a couple of weeks—and you, yours.
Diffusing playground disputes with empathy
Q: My three year old finds herself in a lot of kerfuffles on the playground. She has trouble sharing or playing what others want to play—often the situation ends in tears for everyone. Other parents tell me to let the kids figure out how to resolve problems themselves. But it doesn’t feel right, especially when it’s usually my child who starts it. What should I do to teach my child more empathy?
A: Kids start to have some capacity for empathy very young, explains Elias. “They just don’t often express it.”
It takes a certain amount of cognitive awareness to show empathy. For instance, they may not recognize the signs of someone in distress. They might also have competing emotions—and having, say, a special shovel in the sandbox may feel more appealing than giving it up to console the other child.
To help your child demonstrate more empathy, help them work that muscle as soon as they’re old enough to listen and communicate, and are in day care or kindergarten. Take the opportunity to point out how other kids are feeling. “Start building their emotional vocabulary,” says Elias. For instance: “How do you think Billy is feeling? How can you tell?”
Kids at this young age are reluctant to comfort another child on their own, so it helps if you model the behavior at home. Name the emotions that you or others in the household feel and offer comfort.
When they get older, how you praise your children when they show empathy can make a difference, too. A 2014 Child Development paper reported that when parents praise children as young as three for being nice to a friend—by saying that they’re a “helper” as opposed to simply “helping”—they are more motivated to demonstrate kind behavior later on. (But, of course, the best language to encourage helpfulness depends on the context, as the Inspiring Kids to Help practice explains.)
It’s also important to be patient. “Empathy is something that builds up over time,” Elias says. “It’s not enough that I may feel something for someone else, I have to communicate it.”
In the meantime, you can help kids defuse arguments by asking them problem-solving questions. “What are they trying to have happen? What have you done in an attempt to get there? Did it work? What can you do instead?” Both kids should have the opportunity to weigh in.
For non-verbal kids, “redirection is the best strategy,” says Elias. For instance, if they’re playing with blocks, you can separate them and give each child a share of the blocks. Or, if they want to play with a particular toy, set a timer and, when it goes off, they can switch.
And, of course, let your child know that physical aggression is never allowed. If your child is old enough, review the ground rules before the play date, and let them know that if they’re violated, you’ll need to go home (and follow through).
Avoiding the allure of devices in a restaurant and car
Q: Restaurants and cars are really hard for my two year old. She cries and screams nonstop. We’ve resorted to giving her an iPad for all but the shortest trips and grab-and-go meals. But I feel guilty. Should I stop doing that?
A: You shouldn’t feel guilty: There isn’t any evidence that it’s harmful in any way to be giving our kids an iPad on a long ride or over a restaurant dinner, says Jacqueline Nesi, assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. “The actual effect of devices during these situations depends on the child, the context, and the situation,” she says.
The caveats include whether the devices are interfering with other activities that are important for their development—for instance, whether screen time is getting in the way of sleep or quality time with family and friends. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises “very limited” screen time for kids under two years old; for those ages two to five, the latest advice is more nuanced.
We also want to avoid using devices as an “emotional-regulation tool,” explains Nesi, who writes the popular newsletter Techno Sapiens, which explores (among other things) parenting in the digital age. “In other words, we don’t want to take it out every time a child is upset, and we’re using it as a way to calm her down.”
But using tech in a restaurant outing or long car ride that occurs only occasionally isn’t going to harm them. “It’s all about balance,” she explains. Leaving your child with an iPad shouldn’t always be the default because these outings are an opportunity for kids to learn self-regulation. They should learn how to connect with family when you’re waiting for the food to come, or find ways to entertain themselves in a car as you get from point A to point B. That said, an iPad might make sense on those infrequent occasions where you’re catching up with an old friend and need to take your child along; or on that two-hour-long trip to Grandma’s during major holidays.
So ask yourself before an outing: What are your goals? If the occasion for, say, a dinner is to celebrate a family member’s birthday, then it makes sense to engage your daughter. Include her in conversation, even if they’re simple exchanges. Keep expectations realistic. For a two or three year old, it helps to come prepared with ideas in mind to prevent boredom and meltdowns, whether it’s an activity everyone at the table plays while waiting for the food to arrive, or books and games to keep the time together fun.
An un-scary way to talk about death with a two year old
Q: My mother-in-law is dying of an aggressive form of cancer, and she won’t be with us soon. I feel that I need to explain this to my two-year-old daughter, who is extremely close to Grandma; but is that the best thing to do, and, if so, how do I go about it?
A: When kids are this young, it’s hard to know how much they take in, but generally speaking it’s always better to talk about it than hide it. After all, children can pick up when we’re worried or sad. “Parents react to things that happen in their lives, and children react to their parents’ reactions,” says Jessie Borelli, professor of psychological science at the University of California, Irvine. “We often underestimate how in tune children are to our emotional states.”
“We often underestimate how in tune children are to our emotional states”
The best way to help children cope with death is to talk about it before it happens. “Parents can lay the groundwork for understanding that death happens and it’s a natural part of life,” Borelli explains. “And that it’s a topic that can be discussed.” This can even happen organically when, say, you come across a dead bug.
Whether you’ve had a chance for these earlier discussions or not, speaking to children in a simple, concrete way is the best strategy. For instance, let her know that she’ll soon not be able to see Grandma anymore because her body isn’t working; her heart will stop and she will die. You can let your child know that she can still visit Grandma’s house, and Grandpa will be there, though Grandma won’t be. But also let her know how lucky you’ve all been to have had Grandma in your lives and that, while she won’t be around, you’ll be able to think of her and look at photos of her.
For young kids, it’s helpful to have these photos on the wall, or other physical mementos they can touch. You can also supplement with, say, the Sesame Street episode on the topic; older kids might appreciate a book like The Invisible String.
Finally, it’s important to let your child know that all will be OK, particularly since they are likely to wonder how this will affect them. For instance, you can say something like “Auntie will pick you up after school every day from now on, so you don’t have to worry.”
“Children are resilient and, over the long term, they’ll be OK as long as there’s an adult guiding them and helping them feel secure,” says Borelli.
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