Greater Good

Borrowed time: The sad reality that, more often than not, it is the people around you who are really in charge of your schedule.  Therefore, if you want any time for yourself—to go to the gym, say, or spend your lunch hour at your desk shopping online—you need to “borrow” the time from someone who thinks they have a more important claim to it.  This sad reality has led to countless magazine articles in which experts advise you to “schedule me-time” or “put fun on your calendar,” which, if nothing else, at least give you a chuckle.

—Kristin van Ogtrop, from Just Let me Lie Down

I know how addictive busyness and mania are. But I ask [my students] whether, if their children grow up to become adults who spend this one precious life in a spin of multitasking, stress, and achievement…will they be pleased that their kids also pursued this kind of whirlwind life? 

If not, if they want much more for their kids, lives well spent in hard work and savoring all that is lovely, why are they living this manic way? …

Will they give me one hour of housecleaning in exchange for the poetry reading?  … No?  I understand.  But at 80, will they be proud that they spent their lives keeping their houses cleaner than anyone else…? Or worked their fingers to the bone providing a high quality of life, but maybe accidentally forgot to be deeply and truly present for their kids, and now their grandchildren? …

I’ve heard it said that every day you need half an hour of quiet time for yourself, or your Self, unless you’re incredibly busy and stressed, in which case you need an hour.  I promise you, it is there.  Fight tooth and nail to find time to make it.  It is our true wealth, this moment, this hour, this day.

—Anne Lamott, from the April 2010 issue of Sunset magazine

The above definition of “borrowed time” made me howl with laughter.  Perhaps because I’m one of those experts in magazines telling people how I put time for myself on my Google calendar, which is a little like scheduling sex: Once it’s on the task list, the joy is sort of sucked right out of it.

That passage from van Ogtrop’s book is matched by Anne Lamott’s recent Sunset magazine essay, “Time Lost and Found,” also quoted above. It made me weep here just now, sitting in a coffee shop; you really have to read the whole thing for the full impact.

Unplugging from my highly-wired life is both difficult and delightful.  I crave more time to attend to my nagging list of should-dos.  If my iPhone is in arm’s reach and I have even a moment of downtime, I still check it, even though my work email is now disabled.  Look up from your latte and just breathe, I tell myself.  Every single second does not need to be “productive.”

Lamott is right: Busyness is addictive.  And since beginning this series only two weeks ago, I’ve been experiencing withdrawal symptoms that crack me up.  Like someone who checks her wrist for the time even when she’s not wearing a watch, I feel my mind constantly checking for new data:  Do I have new email? Voicemail? Texts? 

I know I’m not alone. Many parents I know are feeling a little out-of-sorts right now, with the routine of the school year shot and the excitement of no-school dying on the vine.  Working mothers feel guilty that their kids are in all-day camps; stay-at-home parents feel guilty their kids are watching so much TV.  But I am finding peace in just the attempt to slow down, even if I’m not exactly living a summer life of badminton on the lawn and backgammon on the porch.

Has anyone achieved that idyllic summer slow-down?  If so, how the heck did you do it? I have recommitted myself to discovering a slower lifestyle—I do, of course, fully believe in the power of poetry and play—but the siren song of a highly productive life still calls compellingly to me.

This week, every single day, I’m going to spend an hour in “guilty” pleasure. Can I steal an hour a day with a novel or other reading that inspires me?  Can I do this without putting it on my calendar as a repeat appointment that I will continually neglect for “more important” things?  Can I instead ignore the impulse that something horrible will happen if I’m not utterly and totally efficient, if I don’t check 1,000 things off my list today?  That is my “Walking the Talk” challenge this week.

I always love company in trying to fulfill my resolutions, so please let me know if you are “Walking the Talk” along with me.  If you are taking time for bliss this week, what is working for you?  How is it going? What obstacles have you faced, and how can you remove them?

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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This week my “Walking the Talk” challenge is: be more diligent about my meditation practice.  For a super-emotional person like me, mindfulness—attention to the present moment—is the most important happiness habit in the history of the universe.

I’m constantly tempted by a desire to analyze past events and plan for the future (sometimes that means just worrying about the future).  But when I really bring myself to the present moment, feelings of being rushed, harried, and busy evaporate.  And this summer, I’m all about not feeling uber-busy.

There are many ways to be mindful.  This week, I’m going to get back to my regular meditation practice.  As Jon Kabat-Zinn elucidates in this short video, meditation is a great way for me to heal the damage that stress and busyness do to my immune system.

If the science of changing habits has taught me one thing, it is the supreme importance of starting small.  So although I am totally inspired to start meditating for hours each day (an hour in the morning, an hour before bed sounds so nice) and to sign up for a 10-day vipassana retreat, I’m going to limit myself for now.  This week, I’m shooting for one 7-10 minute meditation a day.  That’s all.  Seems like it shouldn’t be too hard (that’s the amount of time I linger in bed after hitting snooze). But in this crazy life, it often gets squeezed out or interrupted by my kids’ needs.

Never meditated but want to try?  I like loving-kindness meditation, which I blog about here (includes a Buddhist Sylvia Boorstein instructional video).

I always love company in trying to fulfill my resolutions, so please let me know if you are “Walking the Talk” along with me.  If you are trying to be more mindful this week or are doing a little meditating, what is working for you?  How is it going? What obstacles have you faced, and how can you remove them?

“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.”
–Earl Wilson

The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands.
–Robert M. Pirsig

As those of you who took the Mother’s Day Happiness Challenge know, I have been obsessed for the last month or so with busyness.  Feeling like I have more to do than I can actually accomplish is such a happiness killer.  On the heels of my book tour and launch of my private practice, and on the eve of a family move, I’m feeling stretched too thin.  In quiet moments I hear my own voice saying to me: I’m exhausted, I’m tired—again and again, like a mantra.  It’s like my brain is saying, SERIOUSLY, lady.  You gotta lie down. 

Clearly, it’s time for me to start taking my own advice. So this summer I’m going to slow WAY down and offer my version of summer re-runs: I’ll be reviewing what I’ve been advocating on this blog and in my book and focus on applying it to my own life.  Each week, as part of my “Walking the Talk” series, I’ll tell you what I’m working on to be a better mother and happier person.  This month, I’m going to focus on putting my own oxygen mask on first and really commit to my own Happiness Challenge. 

Unplugging (sometimes)

So how am I going to do that? To start, I’m going to take Jon Kabat-Zinn’s advice and seriously limit my use of technology.

I’m going to be taking a lot of vacation this summer—sometimes to relax, sometimes to focus on my family’s move and the work that needs to be done on our new house.  Instead of being totally unplugged when I’m on vacation and totally plugged in when I’m home and at work, I’m going to attempt to reach some balance in both places. 

I’ll respond to blog comments, emails, and voicemails only once a day, and only Monday-Friday.  That means that I’m going to stop having my email pushed to my phone (gasp!).  I never really accomplish anything trying to type an email response on my phone, but I do collect a lot of little things to worry about, even if it is just new emails that need responding to. 

I’m also going to do something once a day without having my cell phone.  Currently, I don’t do anything without my phone; my office phone forwards to my cell, and so if you need to get a hold of me, you can do so pretty much at anytime (provided that I’m not already on the phone).  It might sound absurd to those of you with more balanced lives, but I’m going to actually leave my phone in the car when I’m meeting a friend for lunch or taking the kids to the park or going for a hike. 

The idea is that disconnecting with technology will enable me to reconnect with who I really am, what is truly important to me, and what really makes me happy.  I take to heart all the new research on “neuroplasticity,” which shows that the structure of our brains can change over time: As we change or deepen our focus on some things rather than others, certain neural connections get formed or strengthened while other connections die.

Technology can be addictive, and it can change the core of who we are as people.  As Tara Parker-Pope wrote recently in The New York Times, “Experts believe excessive use of the Internet, cellphones and other technologies can cause us to become more impatient, impulsive, forgetful and even more narcissistic.”  These qualities do not make us happier people or better parents.

If you are going to join me in this experiment, I’d love to hear how it is going.  Do you need to unplug more?  I’d love suggestions for how to balance responding to email, etc., with not becoming wed to it entirely. What strategies work for you?  What obstacles have you faced, and how can you overcome them?

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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