Greater Good - The Science of a Meaningful Life

Can Facebook make your child happy—or will it just lead to loneliness, as this Atlantic article-gone-viral suggests?

According to some interesting research, social media arguably can make us feel more connected and less lonely. Alternately, it can make us feel more isolated and depressed, and for kids, lead to what Erik Erikson posed as the critical psychological danger in pre-adolescence: “an excessive feeling of inadequacy and inferiority,”* a risk for tweeners heightened by social media exposure. (For more about this theory as it relates to Facebook, see Diana Graber’s excellent CyberCivics post on the subject.)

As I wrote last week, children need to be taught explicitly how to use social media, just as we would teach them to drive a car. In particular, we need to teach them how their online presence reflects three things: (1) how they want to be perceived; (2) who they want to be; and (3) their influence on the world. Here’s more about each of them.

1) How do they want to be perceived? The first lesson is about reputation management. Most kids don’t understand that everything they post online can actually be a part of the public domain—even when it seems or feels private at the time they are posting. As Graber writes for iKeepSafe:

While reputation management remains challenging for adults, imagine how difficult it is for a child to understand how the digital decisions they make today will stay with them, and the rest of cyberspace, forever.

Colleges and universities are increasingly relying on digital data when deciding who gets letters of acceptance. … Employers are increasingly conducting digital background checks on applicants before entrusting them with jobs. Today our digital footprint is our new first impression, and it starts taking shape the minute we go online.

This means it’s worth sitting down with your kids and looking at their postings as if you’re their future employer. How would you judge the character and intelligence of this prospective employee?

Through this lens, kids and teens can more easily see that reposting images with foul language makes them look rude; posting screenshots of gossipy text exchanges makes them seem shallow and mean; posting anything even remotely sexual makes them appear desperate for attention.

By the same token, posting photographs or art can be a great way to express themselves; posting interesting articles or videos can show their intelligence and their interests; heartfelt exchanges with others can show kindness and skill at building community.

2) Who do they want to be? If we want to be happy—or happier—there are ways to use Facebook and other social media to help us get there. We know that certain practices, like acts of kindness and expressions of gratitude, are highly likely to increase our happiness. Social media is a tool that can be used to practice our happiness habits.

For example, why not post a photo of something that you feel grateful for on Instagram? Or build real-life social connections by posting kind words or appreciation for others on Facebook? Or use Pinterest to collect things that inspire and fill us with awe?** When we do these things as parents, we model for our children ways of using social media to bring happiness and other positive emotions into our lives.

Facebook has even been shown to decrease loneliness when we receive “composed communication”—or personalized messages, particularly when those messages are “semi-public,” posted to groups or on our wall. So we can teach our kids to comment positively on their friends’ photos and updates in order to bring those friends more joy.

3) How do they want to influence the world? When kids start using social media to bring joy to themselves and their communities, they will quickly see that social media is a powerful way to influence the world for good. They can post comments that are likely to hurt other’s feelings, or they can post quotes that inspire. They can whine about how unfair a school policy is, or they can be an activist, using social media to articulate their position on an issue.

Kids really do need to be taught the difference between saying “that sucks” and becoming an effective activist. One of my daughter’s friends re-posted a heart-wrenching picture of an abused toddler on Instagram. She probably posted it out of compassion, but the effect of her repost was no better than a rubber-necker spreading fear. This is a complex thing that an 11-year-old can’t be expected to learn without an adult’s guidance.

The Kony 2012 campaign was the first time my daughter truly became emotionally involved in a political movement; no surprise that the campaign strategy was based on social media. (Watch the video if you haven’t already. The first two minutes are especially relevant to this discussion.)

Here’s the takeaway: We parents need to give our kids clear guidelines, and then we need to participate with them online, using their inevitable mistakes as teaching moments.

When we give them feedback about how they are perceived, and when they know they are being watched by a community of their elders (comprised of their parents, the rest of their family, and our friends, as well as their future employers) they will reach for their highest—and happiest—selves.


Additional Resources:
Common Sense Media - http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
Center on Media and Child Health (CMCH) resources - www.cmch.tv
CyberCivics - http://dianagraber-cybercivics.blogspot.com

*Erikson, E.H. (1993). Childhood and society (2nd ed.). New York: W. W. Norton. (Erikson, 1963, p. 260).

**A sidenote: Most social media is illegal for children under the age of 13 to use. At the same time, given that literally millions of pre-teens do use social media, your under-age child is probably right that “all” of his or her friends use them. Lying about age online is a bad habit to get into—the consequences of this can be pretty dire; at the least, it doesn’t set a great moral precedent. One way to minimize the damage here is to sign the kids up yourself, so that you can control the account. If you do this, sign them up as 13 year olds, not 40-somethings. Facebook, for example, has separate controls for users under 18.

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© 2012 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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Like a lot of parents, I’ve been struck by how active—though not savvy—my kids and their friends are with social media.

It’s a little like we’ve given our kids keys to a new car and said, “Have fun! Be safe!” without actually teaching them to drive.

Will they crash? My kids’ friends have Instagram accounts that let them post pictures of themselves and their friends—which they do, innocently—all over the Internet. These photos are often geotagged, making it easier for creepy pedophiles to locate them in the real world.

The FBI estimates that there are a half million pedophiles online everyday—predators who are sophisticated about “grooming” children and teens: forming online relationships before they start soliciting personal or sexual information, or before they try to initiate a meeting. They often pose as kids the same age.

There are risks to kids’ social media use even beyond the threat of pedophiles. To name just a few: cyberbullying, either as a victim or perpetrator; socially inappropriate posts that could later be humiliating to themselves or their friends; exposure to media that frightens or otherwise harms them; and the time they lose online—when they would gain more by reading, playing outside, or deepening their relationships in real-life.

All children need online social skills training. We may not be able to teach our children the ins-and-outs of Instagram, but we do need to guide them through the basics of interacting online—even if that means we need to learn the basics ourselves, first.

Which is exactly what I’m trying to do: Teach myself enough to stay just ahead, or at least stay aware, of what my children are doing. While we parents might not know exactly how every new social media app works, we do have better judgement than our children about the appropriate use of these awesome technologies.

This post and the one that will follow next week offer parents guidance in keeping their kids happy and safe online. To get started, here are five principles to keep in mind.

1. We, the parents, are the gatekeepers, guidance counselors, and teachers. The kids’ school is not in charge of teaching them to navigate social media and online life.

Kids’ time online and their devices are a privilege that we can take away if necessary. As the people in charge, we need to approve and monitor every single app they download, every social media account they open, the websites they like to frequent (especially when they are younger), and every game they play (even if they buy it “with their own money”). This doesn’t mean we need to be an annoying POS*. But we do need to know what they have on their devices, and they need to know what they’ve been given permission to watch and play.

2. Take every game or app that your kids are using for a test drive. I’ve deleted a lot of asinine apps that seemed fine to download but upon playing turned out to be on the “no way” list. This can actually be pretty fun.

My approach with my kids is positive: “What is your favorite app these days?” They often come to me excited to show me something new that their friends are playing (last week it was “Draw Free”) so that they can get permission to download it.

3. Keep your kids’ devices on your iTunes account, if you can, so that you can easily control and monitor their downloads.

4. Establish regular periods of time for your whole family to be unplugged: The feedback loops inherent in email, texting, and games can create a compulsion to constantly check devices, which can cause anxiety (and, some pediatricians believe, depression as well). Don’t let constant checking become a habit!

Also to this end: Have 100 percent device-free areas in your home, like the dining room, and device-free times of day—like bedtime and beyond. Take devices out of bedrooms at night to remove them from temptation.

5. Teach them to always know their online community. They aren’t celebrities and performers with millions of anonymous followers; they are kids. They should know every single one of the people that they are “friends” with or that is “following” them, without exception. If they are seeking the status-symbol-like quality of having hundreds of online “friends,” help them increase their numbers safely, perhaps by having all your friends connect to them.

Next week, I’m going to do a deeper dive into this subject and create a checklist of things we all need to talk about with our kids around their online and social media usage.

It isn’t easy to know how to teach kids what they need to know to be “good drivers” and good citizens in the online world—how to know what is public and what should remain private, what is commercial and what is authentic, what will ultimately contribute to both their happiness and to the greater good.

But, difficult though it may be, it is important for us to not just toss our kids the keys and wish them luck with those new-fangled apps! Stay tuned.

*That’s teen speak for “parent over shoulder”

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© 2012 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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Last year, Tiger Mothers were superior. This year, French mommy-hood has been deemed a cut above. Are other mothers generally better than us at producing high-functioning and high-achieving kids? And do they enjoy parenting more than we do?

Maybe. Tiger mothers, soccer mothers, French mamas, working mothers, stay-at-home-mothers: We each have our strengths. We don’t have a lot of empirical evidence about what brand of mommy is “best,” but we do have a lot of data about what makes for good parenting. I’ve spent the last 10+ years deep in that research. In honor of Mother’s Day, here are my Top 10 qualities of a “good” mother. (Two notes about this: 1. These are also qualities of good fathers, of course, without exception. 2. We don’t need to embody all of these things all at once to be good parents—see #10.)

1. She’s happy. There are scores of reasons that a parent’s happiness matters for their children’s well-being (and achievement) across the board. Happiness helps us all fulfill our potential. When we mothers are happy, we are better mothers.*

2. She’s not stressed out or over-busy. The ability to be present—and patient—with our children is one of the greatest gifts that we can give them. It is hard to be a skillful parent when we’re freaking out about, oh, all the things we generally freak out about. The best mothers both plan stress out of their lives, and cope with stress actively, using techniques like meditation, mindfulness, and yoga.

3. She’s in a happy romantic relationship. Little is more important for our happiness than our love lives. When we are in a low-conflict and fulfilling relationship, our children learn have a healthy example for their own relationships. Great mamas model passionate, long-lasting, and joyful romance.

4. She’s unconditionally warm and affectionate. This means that when her children aren’t behaving well, she doesn’t withdraw her love and comfort—she has other disciplinary tools in her belt. My grandmother was the ultimate in this department: She once told me that she’d still love me, even if I turned out to be “an axe murderer.” She’d put me in jail where I belonged, but she’d still love me.

5. She sets firm boundaries. Kids need their mom to be their parent, not their best friend. This means saying no, even when it is excruciatingly difficult. Good mothers set rules, and they enforce those rules, consistently and with warmth.

6. She embraces mistake-making. Though it is natural for us to want to protect our children from making mistakes, we handicap them when we compensate for them or prevent them from falling down.

7. She’s supportive without being a helicopter parent. She promotes her kids’ independence. She lets them hear their own voice, so that they might know better who they are and what they want in life—rather than who their mother is, and what their mother wants for them.

8. She creates good family habits that routinely evoke positive emotions like appreciation, confidence, and compassion rather than entitlement or obstinence. Some examples: a dinnertime gratitude practice, a morning routine that doesn’t rely on yelling or bribery, a bedtime routine that leads to connection, and an after-school routine that allows for the unstructured play that children need to develop skills for happiness and empathy.

9. She’s a proponent of hard work in the pursuit of mastery, even when it is boring or uncomfortable. And she uses a growth-mindset to praise effort rather than innate talent.

10. She’s not perfect, in any realm, and she doesn’t expect perfection from her children, either. Perfectionism is a particular form of unhappiness; it is a life driven by the fear of not being enough. The best parents give their children the room they need to be messy, mistake-making children. AND they allow themselves, perhaps with some humor, to be messy, mistake-making mothers who love life and their children with an open heart.

Are you a great mama? Do you have a great mom? Are you married to one? At the very least, I know you know a great mother. Which of these qualities are your—or her—particular strength? Which are you still working on? What other important qualities do you think should be on this list?

Often I think that what we want most for Mother’s Day is to know that we are good-enough mothers. Or even that we are GREAT mothers. This week, express your gratitude to the mothers in your life: Which of the things on this list do they do best? Forward this email, post it on a mom’s Facebook wall, or leave a comment here.

* This doesn’t mean that you aren’t a good mom if you’ve struggled with depression, as many moms do, or that your children are going to be scarred forever. It does mean that it is important—and not selfish—to take care of yourself, and your own happiness.

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© 2012 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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