Greater Good

I am not a particularly religious person. I have been taking my kids to our local Unitarian Universalist church in the hopes that they will get a broad religious education and some of that good ole love-your-neighbor doctrine instilled in their blood. Turns out that I should be hoping they get something different: not religion, but spirituality.

I am a deeply spiritual person, but I'm not sure how I turned out this way. I was raised Presbyterian by an engaged-but-skeptical father and a totally atheist mother. But however I got it, research shows that my spirituality is probably a key cause of much of my happiness.

For decades we've had research that shows that adults who consider themselves to be religious tend to be happier than people who do not. Theories abound about why this might be: attending church can increase your social support and social ties, which leads to happiness; having faith in God or some higher source might boost our ability to cope, thereby reducing stress during hard times; religion might provide meaning in life, and it might provide guidelines for a healthier lifestyle.

Turns out that for kids, church attendance and religious practices (like praying) aren't linked to their happiness. But children's spirituality is strongly linked to their happiness: kids who are more spiritual tend to be considerably happier; in one study, spirituality accounted for 26 percent of kids' happiness. That's a lot.

But what constitutes "spirituality?" Here are some of the statements and questions the researchers presented to 761 kids; the more positively the kids responded, the higher their perceived level of spirituality.

• I feel a higher power's love for me
• I desire to be closer to a higher power
• I try hard to use my religious or spiritual beliefs in all parts of my life
• How often do you find strength and comfort in your religion or spirituality?
• When you are worried or have a problem, how often do you depend on your religion or spirituality to help you?

They also assessed four different dimensions of spirituality: meaning and value in one's own life; the quality and depth of interpersonal relationships; a sense of awe for nature; and faith in and relationship with someone or something beyond what we can see and touch.

What strikes me is that inspiring spirituality in our children, as defined by the researchers, really means helping them feel awe, elevation, and faith—three positive emotions. Positive emotions ARE a form of happiness in my mind. And spirituality, as they define it, includes those things that we already know foster happiness: meaning in life and strong social connections.

So this Christmas (we Unitarian Universalists celebrate all of the winter holy days) I'm going to try to help my kids focus a little less on their roles in the nativity play at church and a little more on the spiritual feelings the holidays evoke for them.

After all, the world is amazing. It is full of magic and love and mystical things that are so much bigger than ourselves. As we gather with friends and family, we'll say grace together—acknowledging a higher power who loves us. On our way to church tomorrow night, I'm going to talk to the kids about how we can use our spirituality in the rest of our lives. I don't think I've ever done that.

And what better time of year to inspire awe in children—good deeds are everywhere. (Here are two stories to tell your children, one about a kid who helps Santa, and the other about a man who hated Christmas, but his family made it meaningful to him ). Most religions recount miracles at this time of year, of lamps that don't go out and miracle births—these stories inspire awe and elevation. And there is, of course, also Santa: what could be more awe-inspiring than the magic of a sleigh with gifts for every child in the world and flying reindeer?

Happy Holidays, everyone. Cheers to embracing the magic.

© 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Selected References:

Holder, Mark D., Ben Coleman, and Judi Wallace, 2008, "Spirituality, Religiousness, and Happiness in Children Aged 8-12 Years," Journal of Happiness Studies, published online 11 December 2008, DOI 10.1007/s10902-008-9126-1.

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The kids and I are preparing to go to a friend's party, where we'll be wrapping presents for less-fortunate children, like those spending Christmas in one of our local hospitals. Also knowing that the Salvation Army near us has said it's short on toys this year, I asked each of my kids to take stock of their toys or books and select a few in really good shape for us to donate. Choose five, I suggested—one for every new toy they hope to get for Christmas.

I thought this seemed like a nice holiday tradition for us to start, and I hoped they'd get the non-materialistic message. Molly, however, heard something else.

"WHAT!?" she screamed. "I'm only getting FIVE toys for Christmas?! I WANT MORE THAN THAT!" And then there were nearly tears.

Holy cow, you'd think that my kids would have escaped all the materialistic mayhem at this time of year, what with their preachy mother and zero exposure to toy advertising, as we don't get any TV stations and don't listen to radio Disney. Apparently not.

Paranoid that despite my best efforts I'm raising materialistic consumers, I decided to look into why some kids are so materialistic while others could care less about having all the latest stuff.

Turns out that there are two things that influence how materialistic kids are. The first is obvious: Consciously or not, we adults socialize kids to be materialistic. When parents—as well as peers and celebrities—model materialism, kids care more about wealth and luxury. So when parents are materialistic, kids are likely to follow suit. Same thing with television viewing: The more TV kids watch, the more likely they are to be materialistic.

The less obvious factor behind materialism has to do with the degree to which our needs are being filled. When people feel insecure or unfulfilled—because of poverty or because a basic psychological need like safety, competence, connectedness, or autonomy isn't being met—they often to try to quell their insecurity by striving for wealth and a lot of fancy stuff. Because of this, relatively poor teenagers ironically tend to be more materialistic than wealthy ones. And less nurturing and more emotionally cold mothers tend to have more materialistic offspring.

So materialism and the behaviors that go with it—desiring and buying brand name clothes and luxury items—can be symptoms of insecurity and a coping strategy used to alleviate feelings of self-doubt or bolster a poor self-image. But if what kids are really seeking is greater happiness and fulfillment, materialism is a terrible coping method. At best, it will only provide short-term relief; in the long-run it is likely to actually deepen feelings of insecurity.

One way to curb kids' materialism is to limit their exposure to advertising. Another way, it turns out, is to try to meet their emotional needs, not their material ones. On that front, the research I cover in this blog suggests some good places to start; practicing gratitude, for example, or by emotion coaching—even simply by eating dinner together.

Epilogue: After her initial complaints, Molly has really gotten into the Christmas spirit—especially after we stopped to think about what it might be like to be poor or in the hospital over the holidays. All she needed to do was to think about how she has the power to help other people and her mood improved dramatically—and her generous spirit has emerged.

© 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Selected references:

Goldberg, M.E., and Gorn, G.J., Perrachio, L.A., Bamossy, G., "Understanding Materialism among Youth", Journal of Consumer Psychology 13 (2003).

Kasser, T., The High Price of Materialism (Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2002).

Rose, P. and DeJesus, S.P., "A Model of Motivated Cognition to Account for the Link between Self-Monitoring and Materialism", Psychology & Marketing 24, no. 2 (2007).

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Subscribe to the Happiness Matters Podcast on iTunes.

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The holidays are upon us! As I discuss in this video and this posting, there are lots of ways to counter the rampant materialism and hyper-busyness of the holidays (remembering that neither consumerism nor being crazy-busy makes us happy). This weekend I'm going to talk with my kids about what their favorite holiday rituals are. I'm hoping I'll be able to focus them a little less on their letters (uh, wish-lists) for Santa and a little more on all the fun—and meaningful—things we do during the holidays that aren't materialistic.

What holiday traditions does your family have? I would love to repost a whole bunch of altruistic and otherwise not-materialistic things you do with your kids. Perhaps you'll inspire those who've come to dread this time of year, or make December even more meaningful for people who already embrace that holiday feeling.

	Happiness How-To Video: Making the Holidays Happier

© 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.