Greater Good

Recently I was an observer at a sold-out parent education seminar about the epidemic levels of depression, suicide, and anxiety disorders affecting children. The lecturer asked the audience rhetorically, "What is it that we most want our children to be?" In stunning synchronicity, the audience roared "HAPPY."

Of course.

We parents want our children to grow into happy adults. In my new book Raising Happiness —which went on sale yesterday!—I give parents 10 research-based steps for raising happy children that promise to make us happier parents as well. As a part of my job at the Greater Good Science Center, I monitor the research related to happiness, childrearing, and well-being in sociology, psychology, and neuroscience. I'm also a mom myself, so I am always watching for ways to apply this research to my own parenting.

A lot of people have poo-pooed my deep interest in (some would say obsession with) happiness over the last decade, especially before it was hip to study and write about. But the pursuit of happiness is not a fad: loads of ancient wisdom traditions are based on the pursuit of happiness. (Maybe it just seems trendy because science is only just now catching on.) The Dalai Lama is famously a fan of happiness, having declared that "the purpose of life is to be happy."

Similarly, Aristotle once declared happiness to be the "chief good:" What he meant by this is that everything we do in life we do because we think it will make us happier. We go on diets because we think losing weight will make us happier; we search for soul-mates because we believe true joy can be found only with another person; we climb all manner of mountains because we think we'll be happy when we prove to others how strong we are.

Unfortunately, research shows that people typically pursue happiness in ways and things that don't make them happy.

At the same time, we also have a lot of scientific research which points to the things that DO make us happy. It was this research that inspired me to start writing for parents: What if we can teach children effective means to pursue happiness?

I know we can do that, as parents and as a society. Our kids' happiness is incredibly important: let's teach them how to achieve it!

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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If I posted a video of my daughter when she is sleep-deprived and trying to finish her homework or clean her room—or do anything, really, that she doesn't want to do—I would lose all credibility as a parenting expert. This is because there is a good chance you would all witness her shockingly bad behavior, from bratty-voice screaming to head-on-the-desk, teary, fist pounding protests.

We humans don't really function all that well when we are seriously tired, and that is especially true for little humans whose brains are not yet fully developed. As Arianna Huffington writes in this post, sleep might just be the key to our happiness and peak performance.

Nothing could be more true for children.

Kids need a lot of sleep to be happy. Unfortunately, studies show that kids are getting significantly less sleep per night than they did in previous generations. This is of no small consequence.

Sleep deprivation—or just getting slightly less sleep than they need—affects kids' functioning and well-being in a huge range of ways. Not getting enough sleep can make kids:

1. Less smart. In one study, researchers restricted the sleep of some students and extended the sleep of others for about 40 minutes over just three days. Kids who got less sleep showed worse performance in areas like learning, memory, and reaction times. How much worse? The difference between the two groups was "larger than or similar to the highly significant age differences between the fourth- and sixth-grade students" in the study. Losing two hours of sleep over three days set kids back two years.
2. Inattentive. Sleepiness makes it hard for kids to pay attention, whether to their school work or to their parents. The effects of not getting enough sleep is much more evident in younger children, who tend to be quite distractible when tired.
3. Fat. Sleep affects dozens of physiological and hormonal processes throughout our bodies, like how we store fat and burn calories. Kids who are "short sleepers" are more likely not just to be fat, but to actually be obese.
4. Less creative. Sleep helps kids with verbal flexibility so that their speech is more articulate and creative. Decreased sleep can make them less fluent, and it can impair their thinking in ways that make them less imaginative and less able to problem solve.
5. Moody and ill-behaved. I think this is obvious to every parent of every child who has ever missed a nap, but loads of good research backs this up: not getting enough sleep can make five year olds act like three year olds—miserable three year olds, to boot. Substance use, including using caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco, is greater in teens who sleep less, indicating that they are trying to cope with how they feel when tired.

   Bad behavior often comes from the fact that sleepiness makes it hard for kids to control their impulses. Given my interest in Raising Happiness , I think this is the most important consequence that not getting my kids into bed on time can have. Why be awake if we are likely to be crabby and unhappy until we get more sleep?

In future posts, I'll dig a little deeper into the sleep research in order to give parents some good guidelines about sleep and their children's happiness. I'll address questions such as: How much sleep do kids need at different ages? Does messing up weekend sleep matter—can we let our kids stay up late once or twice a week without suffering the consequences? Can students make up for lost sleep on the weekends? What does research show we can do to help our kids fall asleep faster and to sleep better?

Helping our kids get more sleep can have tremendous positive effects. Because of this, I have recently moved my kids' bedtime to a shockingly-early 7:30 pm (they are 7 and 9 years old, and they catch the bus at 7:50 in the morning). This means that I am trading quality bonding time with my children for sleep. But, given the profound effects sleep has on their health and happiness, I don't think I have a choice: ensuring that my kids get enough sleep is my responsibility as a parent.

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

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References:

Cappuccio, FP, Taggart, FM, Kandala, NB, Currie A, Peile E, Stranges S, & Miller, MA. (2008). Meta-analysis of short sleep duration and obesity in children and adults. Sleep, 31(5), 619-626.

Carskadon, MA, Acebo, C, & Jenni, OG. (2004). Regulation of adolescent sleep: Implications for behavior. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1021, 276-291.

Curcio, G, Ferrara, M, & De Gennaro, L. (2006). Sleep loss, learning capacity and academic performance. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 10, 323–337.

Dahl, RE. (1996). The impact of inadequate sleep on children's daytime cognitive function. Seminars in Pediatric Neurology, 3(1), 44-50.

Fallone, G, Acebo, C, Arnedt, JT, Seifer, R, & Carskadron, MA. (2001). Effects of acute sleep restriction on behavior, sustained attention, and response inhibition in children. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 93, 213-229.

Fredricksen, K, Rhodes, J, Reddy, R, & Way, N. (2004). Sleepless in Chicago: Tracking the effects of adolescent sleep loss during the middle school years. Child Development, 75(1), 84-95.

Iglowstein, I, Jenni, OG, Molinari, L, & Largo, RH. (2003). Sleep duration from infancy to adolescence: Reference values and generational trends. Pediatrics, 111, 302-307.

Sadeh, A, Gruber, R, & Raviv, A. (2003). The effects of sleep restriction and extension on school-age children: What a difference an hour makes. Child Development, 74(2), 444-455.

Smaldone, A, Honig, JC, & Byrne, MW. (2007). Sleepless in America: Inadequate sleep and relationships to health and well-being of our nation's children. Pediatrics, 119, S29-S37.

Stein, MA, Mendelsohn, J, Obermeyer, WH, Amromin, J, & Benca, R. (2001). Sleep and behavior problems in school-aged children. Pediatrics, 107(4), 1-9.

"YOU ARE THE MEANEST SISTER IN THE WORLD!!!"

My children are upstairs in the room directly above me, putting together a puzzle and fighting. I just heard a loud whap. Now there is crying. Also screaming. Our sitter is issuing time-outs.

Ah, siblings. My kids, 22 months apart, are best friends more often than not. But the recent winter break tested their love, to put it mildly. By the end of two-weeks spent mostly in each other's presence, a typical exchange had Older Sister declaring "I am SICK OF YOU," followed by Younger Sister screaming "GET AWAY FROM ME! Just get AWAY from me!"

I find this horrifying.

Meanness—to your sibling, or anyone, ever—is not a happiness habit.

What to do? I know that most siblings fight, and that social scientists have consistently recorded high levels of hostility in sibling relationships relative to other relationships. But this is not okay with me; I want my kids to be kind to each other. My dad and his brother are lifelong best friends and business partners. My brother and I are close friends. I want this for my kids, too. But how?

Fortunately, we parents of multiple children have some good science to guide us. Here's what I take away from this research.

1. Treat kids fairly. From a very young age, kids start monitoring how their own relationships with their parents compare to those of their siblings. What is important here is not that we treat our kids exactly the same, but that our kids believe our differential treatment is FAIR. It doesn't really matter if we parents think the ways that we treat our children differently is fair, it matters what our kids think and whether they agree with each other about it. When kids believe that their parents are treating them fairly relative to their sibling(s)—parents show similar levels of affection, praise, and discipline, for example—sibling relationships are more positive.

   Pay particular attention to warmth in this regard: When kids report that a parent's attention has decreased in warmth relative to the warmth that parent shows their sibling, it can really affect kids' happiness AND their relationship with their brother or sister. Not only do they show more symptoms of depression, but their relationships with their siblings become less warm as well.

2. Emotion coaching is really important. Teaching kids how to identify, monitor, evaluate, and modify their emotional reactions to their siblings can have a really positive effect on sibling relationship quality. I've posted about how to teach kids this before; the goal here is to teach children to de-escalate frustrating episodes. That way, when their sibling pushes their buttons (in ways only siblings can), their negative response won't be as intense Emotion coaching also makes siblings better communicators, increasing the odds that they'll ultimately have a more positive play experience (see next suggestion).
3. Give them positive opportunities to play. Positive play experiences help siblings lay a foundation for a life-long bond. This is related to the research on ratios between positive and negative emotions: Positive interactions between siblings need to outnumber negative ones by about five to one. One particularly good research-tested program aimed at improving sibling relationships focuses on finding things for siblings to do together that they both enjoy. Even kids who seemingly have nothing in common or with very wide age spreads can find ways to enjoy the other's company. The key is for us parents to help them find a little time each day for them to play or share a positive experience. Most kids will argue when playing together at some point; the key is to make sure that the number of positive experiences outweighs the negative ones.

   Knowing this, I try to limit the time my kids spend together when they are likely to fight. In the late afternoon, for example, my kids tend to be a little cranky and prone to bickering, and so I often encourage them to have some "alone time" or to play with a neighbor until dinner. I also try to encourage them to do something each day where I think the odds are good they'll have a positive interaction. For example, I know that when they hold their pet rats together (in a dry bathtub—it's really quite a scene) they usually dissolve into raucous laughter within a few minutes. So a few afternoons a week, I suggest that they spend some quality time together with Bella and Despero.

4. Role-play positive responses to conflict. Inevitably, siblings will have conflicts that they need to manage, and research shows that when kids are actively taught certain conflict management techniques, the quality of their sibling relationships does improve. The first goal is to help them NOT respond impulsively toward a slight, but to take the all-important first step in conflict-resolution: taking a big, deep breath. Ultimately, we want to teach kids how to respond in emotionally charged situations—to calmly communicate their individual needs and point of view to their sibling. This is best taught and practiced in neutral role-playing situations rather than in the heat of a fight. Read this post for more on conflict resolution.
5. Think twice before intervening during a conflict, especially if you have teenagers. The "just stop it" approach, as it is known in my house, teaches kids nothing. When kids don't yet have the skills to work things out themselves, it is okay to play a "coaching" role during a conflict—emotion coaching and practicing the steps of conflict resolution outlined in this link. But when we intervene in kids' relationships, we need to be mindful that although our intentions are good, we might not be helping if we seem to take sides or exhibit favoritism. Research shows that preschool-aged kids benefit from more parental guidance during conflicts. Once kids reach adolescence, however, it is best to let kids work arguments out themselves.

For most parents, fostering close relationships between our kids is one of our greatest concerns. And rarely is the payoff as great as when kids get along well and love one another!

Do your kids get along well? If so, why? What have you done to foster sibling closeness?

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

Become a fan of Raising Happiness on Facebook.

Subscribe to the Happiness Matters Podcast on iTunes.

Sign up for the Raising Happiness CLASS!

References:

Kennedy, Denise E., Kramer, Laurie, 2008, Improving Emotion Regulation and Sibling Relationship Quality: The More Fun with Sisters and Brothers Program, Family Relations, Vol. 57, Issue 5, p567-578.

Kowal, Amanda K., Krull, Jennifer L., Kramer, Laurie,2006, Shared Understanding of Parental Differential Treatment in Families., Social Development, Vol. 15 Issue 2, pp 276-295.

Shanahan, Lilly, McHale, Susan M., Crouter, Ann C., Osgood, D. Wayne, 2008, Linkages between parents' differential treatment, youth depressive symptoms, and sibling relationships, Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 70 (2), pp. 480-494.

Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, 2009, NurtureShock New Thinking About Children.

Susan M McHale, Kimberly A Updegraff, Corinna J Tucker, Ann C Crouter, 2000, Step in or stay out? Parents' roles in adolescent siblings' relationships, Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 62, Issue 3, p 746.

Big thanks to Nila Rosen for her research assistance with this posting!