Greater Good

If you do a nice thing for someone else knowing you'll reap some benefit yourself, is it still a good deed? What if your primary reason for doing it is because of the benefits it'll bring you?

Researchers spend a lot of time debating whether any altruistic act is ever truly selfless because we benefit so much when we are kind to others. I think of kindness like laughter: we might be laughing because we want someone else to feel good about their joke, but mostly we laugh because it feels good. Like laughter, kindness is a terrific happiness habit, good for both our physical and emotional well-being.

Did you know that kinder people actually live longer, healthier lives? People who volunteer tend to experience fewer aches and pains. Giving help to others protects overall health twice as much as aspirin protects against heart disease. People 55 and older who volunteer for two or more organizations have an impressive 44 percent lower likelihood of dying—and that's after sifting out every other contributing factor, including physical health, exercise, gender, habits like smoking, marital status, and many more. This is a stronger effect than exercising four times a week or going to church; it means that volunteering is nearly as beneficial to our health as quitting smoking!

We feel so good when we give because we get what researchers call a "helpers high," or a distinct physical sensation associated with helping. About half of participants in one study report that they feel stronger and more energetic after helping others; many also reported feeling calmer and less depressed, with increased feelings of self-worth. This is probably a literal "high," similar to a drug-induced high: for example, the act of making a financial donation triggers the reward center in our brains that is responsible for dopamine-mediated euphoria. (For more on the "helper's high," check out this essay by James Baraz and Shoshana Alexander, published this month on Greater Good.)

Finally, nearest and dearest to my heart, kindness makes us happy. Volunteer work substantially reduces symptoms of depression; both helping others and receiving help is associated with lowered anxiety and depression.

This may be especially true for kids. Adolescents who identify their primary motive as helping others are three times happier than those who lack such altruistic motivation. Similarly, teens who are giving are also happier and more active, involved, excited, and engaged than their less engaged counterparts. Generous behavior reduces adolescent depression and suicide risk, and several studies have shown that teenagers who volunteer are less likely to fail a subject in school, get pregnant, or abuse substances. Teens who volunteer also tend to be more socially competent and have higher self-esteem.

It isn't just that kind people also tend to be healthier and happier, or that happy, healthy people are more kind. Experiments have actually demonstrated again and again that kindness toward others actually causes us to be happier, improves our health, and lengthens our lives.

So if we want to raise kids that are happy and healthy, one of the best things we can do is teach them to be kind. Next week I'll be giving some tips for HOW to raise kind children, but for starters, we need to think about kindness and generosity as a skill that we teach kids, and practice with them.

What do your kids do to practice kindness? How have you encouraged kindness, generosity, and altruism in your children? Please post your ideas in the comments and I'll incorporate as many as I can into next week's posting.

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

References:

Allen, Joseph P. et al., "Preventing Teen Pregnancy and Academic Failure: Experimental Evaluation of a Developmentally Based Approach," Child Development 64, no. 4 (1997).

Benson, Peter L., E. Gil Clary, and Peter C.Scales, "Altruism and Health: Is There a Link During Adolescence," in Altruism and Health: Perspectives from Empirical Research, ed. Stephen G. Post (New York: Oxford University Press, 2007).

Luks, Allan, "Doing Good: Helper's High," Psychology Today 22, no. 10 (1988).
Magen, Zipora, "Commitment Beyond Self and Adolescence," Social Indicators Research 37 (1996).

Moll, Jorge et al., "Human Fronto-Mesolimbic Networks Guide Decisions About Charitable Donation," Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America 103, no. 42 (2006).

Musick, Marc A. and John Wilson, "Volunteering and Depression: The Role of Psychological and Social Resources in Different Age Group," Social Science & Medicine 56 (2003).

Oman, Doug, Carl E. Thoresen, and Kay McMahon, "Volunteerism and Mortality among the Community-Dwelling Elderly," Journal of Health Psychology 4, no. 3 (1999).

Post, Stephen and Jill Neimark, Why Good Things Happen to Good People (New York: Broadway Books, 2007).

Post , Stephen G., "Altruism, Happiness, and Health: It's Good to Be Good," International Journal of Behavioral Medicine 12, no. 2 (2005).

Schwartz, Carolyn E. et al., "Altruistic Social Interest Behaviors Are Associated with Better Mental Health," Psychosomatic Medicine 65 (2003).

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When I was little, I pretended to be Wonder Woman, my brother was Spiderman, and together we would save the world.

It's exhilarating to be seven-years-old and convinced of your awesome power to help people. I want my kids to feel the same rush that comes from seeing themselves as heroes.

But I also want more for them: I want them to actually BE heroes themselves, in their real life. The schoolyard needs them.

According to the U.S. Department of Education, every single day 60,000 students avoid going to school because they are afraid they are going to be bullied. Even more shocking is that their fear might be justified: 25 percent of public schools report that bullying occurs among students on a daily or weekly basis.

How to Raise a Hero Rather Than a Bystander

BYSTANDERS stand by and watch while other kids are bullied. HEROES don't let bullying happen: they intervene, get help. They are out to save the world, one kid at a time.

Bystanders watch while evil takes root but are too frightened, or apathetic, to take a stand. All grown up, bystanders did nothing while US soldiers abused prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Bystanders are that silent majority that makes meanness somehow acceptable, even commonplace.

Heroes, on the other hand, have two key qualities, according to heroism researchers Philip Zimbardo and Zeno Franco. First, they live out their values and their beliefs. They defend TRUTH with a capital T. Second, they incur some personal risk to do so.

Most kids, and probably their parents, too, fear the consequences of standing up to a childhood bully. What if the bully turns his wrath on our child? Acting heroically might mean that our children stand a chance of social, emotional, and physical harm.

Assuming that the situation isn't out of Lord of the Flies (i.e., there are adults in charge somewhere, even if they are a bit asleep at the wheel), I would prefer my kids take those risks rather than become bystanders. Here's how we can make it more likely we raise heroes than bystanders:

1. Foster their Heroic Imaginations. In this Greater Good article, Zimbardo and Franco argue that in order to act more heroically, we need to learn to think like heroes, and we should start from the time we're young. We need to get kids to consider how it is that heroes see the world.

   For starters, heroes have a strong awareness of things that aren't right. They pick up on the cues that suggest someone might be in trouble—or headed that way. With those skills, kids can learn to avert danger before it occurs. For example, an emotionally intelligent child might predict when a vulnerable classmate is likely to be bullied and prevent the incident from happening, rather than trying to intercede when it does.

2. Teach kids they have the power to resolve a conflict. Conflict is not a bad thing unless we don't have the skills we need to resolve it (check out these postings on teaching kids skills for conflict resolution). In order to act heroically, kids need to have enough confidence in their interpersonal skills that they can stand up for what they believe in. Teaching positive conflict resolution, grit and the growth mindset can really help with this.
3. Model care and empathy towards others, while downplaying the importance of achievement outcomes. Research shows that people who rescued Jews during the Holocaust did not tend to be achievement-oriented or concerned about other people's approval. Instead, they were found to have a heightened "capacity for extensive relationships," and a "stronger sense of attachment to others and their feelings of responsibility for the welfare of others," reports Samuel and Pearl Oliner, who led a landmark study of heroes in Nazi Europe. The Oliners say that those feelings of responsibility for others had often been instilled in rescuers from the time they were children, and that their parents tended to display more tolerance, care, and empathy toward both their children and towards people different than themselves.
4. Express the expectation that kids will act heroically. Research shows that kids report they are more likely to intervene when a schoolmate is being bullied if they believe that their parents and friends expect them to act to support victims.

I want my kids to be happy and safe, of course, but I also want them to be heroes. I don't think this is a delusion of grandeur; I think it's necessary, and the time is right to nurture a new generation of heroes.

Do your kids know what heroes are? Do you want your kids to act heroically, even if it involves some risk?

If you want to learn more about how to bring out the hero in your kids—and yourself—check out the Greater Good Science Center event, "Goodness, Evil, and Everyday Heroism," featuring a presentation by Philip Zimbardo. February 26th at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco.

© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.

References:

Zimbardo, Philip and Zeno Franco (2006), "The Banality of Heroism"
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/archive/2006fallwinter/francozimbardo.html.

Oliner, Samuel P. and Pearl M. Oliner (1988)The Altruistic Personality: Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe, New York: Free Press.

Rigby, Ken and Johnson, Bruce. "Expressed readiness of Australian schoolchildren to act as bystanders of children who are being bullied." Education Psychology. Vol 26(3), June 2006, pp. 425-440.

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I would like to extend a special invitation to Half Full/Raising Happiness readers to be in ABC's View from the Bay studio audience on Tuesday Feb. 9th, 2010 when Christine Carter will be discussing how to nurture your children's social connections.

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